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I have purchased Anna's old LJ username to set up her memorial journal. It is still being set up, but will hopefully have entries soon.

[livejournal.com profile] kiota  is now an active journal. 

Anna, you won't be forgotten nor erased.  We love you & miss you.

Anna

Apr. 12th, 2011 03:42 pm
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Tomorrow will be the anniversary of Anna's death. Yesterday I found out her journal was purged. I am hoping that someone has a copy in its entirety. I want to put her writings back up where they belong-- here. Her words were too important to be destroyed. She was too profound.

Now it's like she never existed. I will change that.
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So, apparently Jon has had a girlfriend this entire time.

Why do I attract assholes?
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I'm so tired of being alone.

I look around me & see people who have their One & children to show for it-- big families. Where's my One? Is it this hard for everybody or just the ones who are mentally ill? Why is it so hard to find someone to actually love you?

All I want is to love & to be loved in return.
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The idea that rape victims are better off dead is being touted by some as a patriarchal virtue. 

I just read about St Maria Goretti. In the article I read, it suggested that she was canonized during a time when the Catholic Church wished to address the "immorality of the times". It also suggests that Benito Mussolini desired to have a Saint from among the farmers that he had recently conquered in order to pacify them. All of this is being illustrated as a way for men to keep women down by romanticizing being brutally murdered instead of surviving sexual trauma. 

I have often thought that I would have been better off dead, that death is a mercy to someone who has been raped. In a way, it is. Not having to deal with PTSD-- no nightmares, no eating disorders, no flashbacks, no having to tiptoe through life to avoid triggers-- would be such a blessing. No longer having to live in a minefield... Death certainly seems inviting. 

Yet, I have known a survivor who chose that way. I have known a person who I loved dearly that left by her own hand. She left such pain behind for me. It is worse for me because she's gone. 

Is that the effect that would happen should I ever choose that path? Honestly, I understand why Anna took her life. Right now in my own life, death seems such a mercy-- the only way to be at peace & not to hurt any longer. I know how she felt. I'm in her shoes-- it is so very lonely & so very painful. 

I found out today that the transfer request I submitted back in May has been lost. I tried so hard to take the news well. Even now I just feel like crying. I've fallen through the cracks yet again. I put the transfer request in because I need to be in a much less consistently high-paced environment-- slower pace = less stress. Now, because someone somewhere screwed up, my chance could be threatened. I was also informed a few weeks ago that I'm in competition with another coworker who has also put in a request for the same assignment. That person has been here much longer than I so it may be futile to want the transfer if it is decided by seniority. I feel so powerless...

The PTSD is causing so many problems. I'm having to suppress the effects as much as possible at work. It's causing absolute havoc in my personal life. I'm having trouble with my memory again. I'm losing track of time. I constantly check the time & look at the calendar to try & keep track of reality. It's becoming harder & harder. 

I'm hoping to speak to my new therapist later this week about this specific symptom. I'm beyond stressed. I feel extremely anxious when thinking about my job & wish every second spent driving to work that I am instead back at home hiding under my blankets with my cats. I cringe when I walk in because I don't know what kind of atmosphere I will be walking into. And I am afraid to say anything to anyone because I don't want to be punished. It is so hard to try to be like everyone else when I'm not. 

I physically hurt from the psychological pain. I just want it to stop, to go away. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to be a normal person so I may be able to offer my boyfriend a wonderful partnership. I don't want to be the screwed up one. I want to be happy again. I want to be responsible & in charge of my life again. 
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I haven't seen Jon since I was in New Orleans. We make sure to talk a couple of times a week, though it never seems enough. We're both always so busy. It's been so long since I was in a long distance relationship. I had forgotten how hard it is to not see one another on a regular basis. It is, however, forcing us to take this pretty slowly, which I think is a good thing. I want to know who he is as a person before I fall in love. 

It is strange to me to have a boyfriend & to not be sexually active on a regular basis. Sex is so important to me in a relationship. It's weird not to be having it, but I don't resent it. I really like him. A lot. My gut feeling is that there's something substantial there & I don't want to ruin it. Besides, it would go against my nature to be with someone other than the person I want. 

He will be in town at the end of January. I am so nervous. I am so excited! I just know I'll be shy when I see him, but at the same time I'm gonna want to pounce on him! It'll be almost four months by then, approximately three of which chaste. I think we both will be equally enthusiastic about sharing a bed while he's here.

He's agreed to meet my BFF this visit. I'm going to try & squeeze in drinks with Sean & Paul also if possible. I want him to know my boys. I hope desperately that all will hit it off. I want desperately for my boyfriend to be approved of by my closest friends. I need my choice validated. I need to know I did a good job this time because I usually fail miserably, the most recent failing being the most epic. 

So I've lost 15lbs total so far. Only 5lbs away from my first goal, then another 5lbs to what is possibly my maintaining weight. I'm hoping I'll lose the first 5 before I see Jon. I know he is happy with the way I look now-- his pet name for me is 'beautiful'-- but I HAVE to get back into those pants! For me! I won't lose my curves. It's quite impossible without mutilation. 

My life is so stressful lately. I'm so up & down. I want desperately to be happy, but my head is all fucked up. I fucking hate this shit so much. I just want to cry. I don't understand how someone who is dead can continue to torture me so much. I feel hopeless, like all I'll ever be is the sad girl who never really smiles anymore, the girl that is punished because no one around her understands that her personality change is due to trauma, not some kind of rebellion. This is like living with my mother all over again-- ASSUMPTIONS, ASSUMPTIONS, ASSUMPTIONS. How about checking with the person who has changed? No one ever thought of that...

I'm judged because people don't take the time to ask questions or try to understand, they simply assume. That's how I've been treated all my life. No one bothers to try to communicate with me & when I try, they ignore me. Then, of course, shit happens, & then they're all "Ooooh, THAT'S what you were talking about!" 

It's so frustrating. You'd think that adults would be able to listen to what each is saying & could discern when a person is serious about something. You'd think it would be a clue when it's a topic that is brought up repeatedly. 

At least the right people are finally listening after the fact...I just hope I won't be punished for my reacting to the trauma-- it's not my fault & I did try to prevent it without breaking the rules. I'm really not one for rule-breaking because it causes too much chaos.

This shit is seriously fucking with my head. I know I'm different. It's become painfully obvious recently to others that I am. I fucking hate it. I don't like being the one odd duck that has to be handled with care. It kills me inside that I'm so fragile. 

I saw a new therapist recently. He said he thinks that because I can't remember much from before age 9, there was most likely abuse going on then. He thinks that it may have been going on closer to the full 17 years. Fuck me. I don't necessarily know how to process that. I mean, yes, that possibility has occurred to me, & all I really remember anyway was bad stuff, but to have a person actually say that the stuff I don't remember was also most likely bad stuff is terrifying. The stuff I remember is bad enough, how much worse is the stuff that is still locked away? I don't know if I even want to know. 

I wish I could just have happy amnesia about my past & completely wipe out the PTSD while we're at it. It would be nice to just replace all the bad memories with good. 

I wish I could be normal. Happy. I want to be an O-Zone song. I want to be Dragostea Din Te.
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And who am I supposed to be? Not like you'd give a fuck about me? But who am I supposedly? When I'm finally done?

Year 5

Nov. 5th, 2010 04:45 pm
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Today is 5 years. I am in New Orleans. I took this time off from work for the first time ever. I am glad that I did.

I had a date with Jon last night. We had a fucking blast! We got completely shitfaced while walking on Bourbon St. Our first kiss was in a bar called The Boondock Saints & there was an OHP patch right above our heads. I pray that it brings this relationship good luck. He left for an assignment out of town just a few hours ago. I am thankful that we finally went on our first date-- it's been long overdue.

I have spent the day in bed nursing a nasty hangover, but that's perfectly fine with me. I don't have to be anywhere or do anything except eat at some point & catch up on my rest. Aside from the pain associated with that, I feel wonderful, free, happy. I have no other stress today-- this seems like my real vacation since the other one I took previously this year was ruined by an overly jealous boyfriend.

I'm more independent than I was last year. I'm done being a doormat. I am confident & happy. I have the best friends anyone could ask for. I have a good job with awesome benefits.

I finally have a gym membership & I use it almost every day. I have lost 10 lbs. I look & feel better. I will get stronger & build more stamina, as well as get my flexibility back. I will survive the Zombie Apocalypse.

Let's see what next year will look like!

Note

May. 28th, 2010 09:27 pm
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I am single again.  I don't want to talk about it right now.  I will write more later, when I'm ready.

Separation

Apr. 20th, 2010 07:39 pm
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Sanju informed me last night that he won't be out of the country for two months-- he'll be gone for five months. He's known for two weeks. I asked him why he waited to tell me & he said he didn't want to make me sad. I cried when I got the news. 

I don't like the idea of being separated for five months. I've come to terms with two months, but five?!? It just makes me want to cry! Sanju explained that it is legal red tape. Apparently, per his student visa, he has to stay out of the country for the duration of the semester since he's going back to Nepal. He's required to take the semester break due to the timing of the trip. He is excited to see his family & friends again, but is disappointed to be away from me. I am torn as well. I want him to see his family & friends back home, especially since he hasn't seen them in two years.  I am going to miss him so much.   

I was looking forward to spending Thanksgiving & Christmas with him, New Years, my birthday... I'm actually most upset about him missing my birthday.  Selfish, I know, but I was looking forward to spending it with him. I'm going to miss his birthday as well. This makes me sad. He said he'd call me on my birthday. 

I wonder if he is going to have to stay out of the country for five months next year too when we go to Nepal. God, I hope not. I know this is just something I'm going to have to deal with, something we BOTH will deal with. We both knew that this was not going to be easy. I guess this is our first hurdle next to his parent's permission. I really need to start doing some more research into the legal hurdles we're going to encounter. I'm just thankful that he won't have to be gone for a year. Silver lining.

We may end up marrying before he leaves. Wow. Kind of scary to think about. It's not marriage that scares me. At all. It's the wedding part that is causing my anxiety. The expectations that I still have in my head from my past. I don't want my mother to berate me for her not meeting him before the wedding. I don't want her to be angry with me for not allowing her to be a part of it the second go-round. It's not because I don't want her to be... In fact, I would love for her to be there. I just don't think she'd come on short notice. I don't know exactly when this will happen, but I'm sure as soon as his parents give their permission, it will happen soon after. It will be wonderful because then I'll be able to actually be public about our engagement. 

Guess I'll be diving head-first into some governmental research.       
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It's been two months yesterday. Sanju & I are still happy, blissfully so. I'm still working two jobs & they're kicking my ass. It's nice to have a day off every couple of weeks. It'll be worth it when I'm standing in KTM for the first time. Of course, the jetlag will be kicking my ass then, but hey, yay!

Sanju quit his second job. He wasn't happy. He said he'll find another. He was worried that I'd be mad at him. I told him not to worry-- it was a gravy job, not his main one. I made sure he knew it was fine. Now, if he'd quite his primary job, then yes, I would not be happy about that. However, that won't happen. He's a hard worker & probably wouldn't know what to do without a job.

Which reminds me-- school. He's been batting around the idea of changing majors. He loves science, but computer science is not something he's enjoying very much. I told him that I'd support whatever he decided to do. I guess we'll see what's going to happen.

We talked a little more about marriage. I asked him what he imagines our life will be like after we're married. He said it'll be filled with love, sex every day, & lots of drinks. I laughed. I know it'll be wonderful. He said we'd find a place of our own & we'll be a happy family. My apartment is too small for us to live there & I don't think he really wants us to move in with his roommates. I love his brothers, but I can't imagine living in a house with so many people.

The cats are really warming up to him. Two days ago Sanju came over & when he sat down on the bed, Zumer climbed up into his lap & when we went to bed, she managed to burrow between us. It was adorable! She "made biscuits" on his arm & tummy. He didn't know what she was doing, only that it tickled. I explained what it was & what it was called. Then right before we fell asleep, Sanju whispered in my ear that Zumer was making biscuits in his armpit. It made me giggle. I love hearing him say that. It was sooo sexy! I am just so glad that my babies love him. The nights that he doesn't get to come over he always tells me to give the babies his love, but especially Grimalkin. Ah, favoritism!

I am so happy! Things are so good right now! Oh, please let them stay good!
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Sanju has decided that Grimalkin is his baby. When he & I first started dating, he told me he didn't like either cats or dogs. Now, when he comes over, the minute he comes in the door he makes a beeline to Grimalkin to say hi & when he leaves, he has to hunt him down & tell him goodbye. It's adorable. I tease him that he's really only dating me just to get to my cat. Sekhmet & Zumer are slowly warming up to him as he is to them. Grimalkin, of course, being the people whore that he is, instantly made friends with Sanju due to the constant affection begging. I have to compete at times with Grimalkin for the affection, but in the end I always win out. He still bitches a little bit about the cat fur getting on his clothing, but hey, that's the price you pay for a good relationship with a feline. I think as Sanju's relationship grows with them, he'll come to accept that no outfit is complete without feline fur to adorn it. It's a fact.

So, I told my mother about Sanju. I told her as much about him as I could & that I thought this relationship was going to be going somewhere. It was the best I could do to convey the seriousness without saying that we're engaged since it's not quite "official" yet. She was sick when I called her, but she didn't say anything negative. She expressed a desire to meet Sanju. I'm very happy about that. This is a very good sign. I want her to be happy for me & to like him!

Also, he is going to be telling his parents about me soon. He was supposed to talk to them a couple of days ago, but then when it came time to talk to them, there were too many people around & he didn't get a chance to talk to them. I'm fuzzy as to if it was on his side or their side... Either way, he still is planning on talking to them! I am SO impressed! This means this is SERIOUS, as if I didn't already know, but it's a BIG DEAL in Nepali culture!

I'm so happy! I've never been this happy before! I am sure, SURE, that Sanju is the one! I can't wait to marry him! I'm convinced that we'll be beyond blissfully happy! XD

Ma timilai maya garchu, baccha!

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I've been feeling overwhelmed the last few days. I've been all over the place emotionally because my hormones are out of whack. Some of it has leaked over into my relationship with my boyfriend. It has stressed us both out. We had our first disagreement earlier this week. Of course, my luck, it was about sex. Go figure. So much of my life has been affected by sex. It has torn me apart in the past when it was used for violence. It has also healed me when it is in the confines of a loving relationship. Our disagreement was simply miscommunication but it still shook us a bit. We are working through it. He has a few misconceived notions about how hormonal birthcontrol works. I'm trying my best to explain it to him. He says he trusts me, but it is hard to trust that when at the same time he is saying he doesn't trust the method of birthcontrol I use & have successfully used since I was 17. *sigh* I think this might take time. 

He is planning to go back to visit his parents this fall. He will be gone for two months. He wanted me to come with him, but I can't take that much time off. I may be able to take a month off next year to go, but that is the best that I can do. He was disappointed that I couldn't go this year, but is pleased to hear that I can next year. He really wants to introduce me to his parents. He is hoping that they will like me enough to grant him permission to marry. Yes, I said marry. He wants to marry me. He told me this a few weeks back & I told him wait & ask me in a year. He said he knows he'll never find another girl like me. He loves my heart, the person I am on the inside. I know he won't find another like me. He is one of a kind as well. I find him so physically beautiful but his kindness is what I love the most about him. We finally agreed that he could ask me again in four months. I have three months left. I already know what my answer will be.

I am a bit scared-- on so many levels. First, the fact that I am so sure that I want to marry him. It scares me. My first marriage was a disaster. Will I be able to work together with him to create one that will last our lives? Marriage in his culture is a HUGE deal. It is permanent. Only very rarely are divorces granted & divorcees aren't exactly prime choices to marry. I am hoping his parents don't have a problem with me. His roommates tell me not to worry, that everyone will love me. I hope that this is the case. 

I am considering getting remarried. Holyshit it scares me! I am considering marrying someone from a different country--he is not even an American citizen! There is so much cultural difference--how am I to handle all of this? I know that I'll be more versed in his culture & the languages of his country by the time I go on this trip. I know I won't be going over there alone, that I will be with the best guide imaginable-- a man who adores me & will take care of me. I am a little afraid of the trip. I will be in a country where I do not speak the language fluently, where women are taken a little less seriously, where I will be in need of being taken care of, being protected. How do I go from my freedom & independence here to being on Sanju's arm for an entire month simply because I won't know how to survive in Nepal alone? It is overwhelming. 

Also, so many things I have to do in preparation. I have to get my passport, save up the money for a plane ticket, money for the trip, arrange for my felines, bills, etc. Tim says he won't mind watching the felines for me while I'm gone. That's a relief. I was beginning to worry how I was going to convince Josie to take care of them for a month... Which reminds me, I'm going to miss them so much!

I haven't even began thinking about what I'm going to tell my mother or when. She has always been the dissonant voice when it comes to my romances in the past. She never really has had much contact with the people I've dated. They always have turned out to be Barneys. Sanju, however, is different. When my mother got remarried, it happened very soon after she met her second husband. I didn't even meet him until a year after they'd married & the first time I spoke to him on the phone was the day before the wedding. I'm not going to tell her until she gets the chance to meet him. I don't know when that will be, but I do want her to meet him before we marry, which won't happen until his parents meet me.  

So much to think about, I can't even get all my thoughts in line to put them down... Hopefully I'll be able to digest all of this soon.   
gothicotter: (Default)

So, after nearly two months of silence from Charlie, he chooses yesterday, St Patrick's Day, to contact me.  The whole holiday approaching hurt at first simply because it reminded me of him due to him being so steeped in his heritage.  However, as the time got nearer to Irish Day, I found myself taking it back, reminding myself that this holiday is mine too, that I am also of Irish heritage, along with Scot & Welsh.  The holiday dawned & I was gleefully looking forward to going out for some green swill after a long day's work with my BFF Tim, my drinking buddy Sean, & having my boyfriend get to experience St Paddy's from a different point of view.  About an hour prior to the end of my shift, I look down at my phone to read a text, & guess who should be contacting me, but dear ol' Charlie.  "Happy St Patrick's Day, Chelsea" it reads.  I know, obviously, that he didn't send it to me in error as it clearly stated my name.  He knew who he was texting.  Honestly, I figured since I had not heard from him in quite a while, that he'd deleted me from his life, including my number.  Color me suprised indeed.  I had just finished eating a good, delicious meal too.  The minute I read that, my face paled & I felt immediately like hurling my cookies up (literally, the ones I had just eaten for desert).  After a moment of silent panic, I excused myself to the bathroom where I tried to calmly get my breathing under control.  I called the BFF who reminded me that Charlie doesn't deserve me, that I have a boyfriend who loves me, that he has two working kidneys & a heart... I was able to keep the contents of my stomach right where they belonged, thankfully. 

It gets better.  After finishing out the shift, I meet Tim at the pub where we wait in line to get inside.  It's packed, which is no suprise on the second biggest drinking day of the year.  My buddy Sean got there early & was already waiting for us with beer in-hand at a table inside.  The moment we get settled at the table, Sean leans over & tells me that Charlie texted him the day before & would I want to know anything as it had to do directly with me... Yes, indeed I would.  He proceeds to ask me how much I wanted to know & I tell him, just the truth.  He whips out his phone & presents the text conversation that he had with Mr. Drunk Dialysis.  In the conversation, Charlie tells him to hug me for him when he sees me, tells Sean that he tried to explain to me that his life "does not lend itself well to relationships", states that "she's a doll & I'm sure I'll be kicking myself when I'm alone at 60 over this," that he didn't want to make things worse by contacting me...  Tim said pointe blank, "He's already kicking himself".  I'm damn sure he is.  He won't find a better woman.  Ever.  As for the "not wanting to make things worse by contacting her," obviously bullshit-- the motherfucker texted me.  Oh, so, what?  It's OK to do it the very next day as long as it's on a big drinking day?  Think he'll do the same on New Year's or, damn, Fourth of July?  Guess the man really can't handle his beloved whiskey (it ain't whisky-- it's Canadian).  I think the loneliness is eating him now, not-to-mention he probably hasn't gotten laid in about two months. I'm not some fuck doll that you can play with when you feel like it & throw away when you aren't in the mood, or heavenforbid, the "right time in your life".  I'm better than that & obviously too good for your stupid ass, because you're a fucking idiot.

On a much happier note, as of today, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a full month. (Yes, I did say, one-month; I'm doing the girly thing & celebrating a relationship inch, the one-month anniversary-- Shut up.) We celebrated by spending the day together making love, singing & making music with piano & guitar, going to the mall, modeling the clothes he bought for me...  We had so much fun just being silly.  We're like two halves of a whole.  Things are so wonderful.  I am so content with him.  Simple things make me happy: like actually dancing with him at the pub last night (slow dancing at that), the fact that when we walk I don't have to hurry along almost falling over my feet to keep up because we're practically the same height, being able to play with his gorgeous fucking hair... & the majority of the time when he's holding me, he kisses my neck affectionately.  I love it.  He does it absentmindedly & I feel so wanted, so needed

Charlie never did that.  Oh, & I deleted his text.  I didn't bother with a reply.
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Girlfriend, WAT

I have been a girlfriend now for almost a month. It's been so awesome having a boyfriend again. He's so sweet & he's teaching me bits of Nepalese. 

K cha? - How are you (what's up)?
Thik cha. - I'm good. 
Nimro? - You?
Ramro. - Pretty. 
Baccha - Baby, Sweetheart
Ma timilai maya garchu. - I love you. 

It's exciting. I've been making the effort to learn about the culture in his hometown, Kathmandu. Also, I've been trying to become familiar with his religious beliefs -- Hinduism. It's very different from anything I'm familiar with. 

He's beautiful, kind. He has a good heart. He's quite a bit like me. He is a giver. It makes me proud to have met him. Things between us are serious already. I genuinely hope things continue wonderfully. I am very much enjoying the respect that he shows me. 

Speaking of respect, I haven't heard from Chris the cop since our conversation almost a month ago. Typical. He's missed out & fucked up his second chance.  Oh well. I've SO found something better! 
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We dodged the bullet this year.  The legistalors decided to dip into the "Rainy Day Fund" & make up the deficit to get us through the end of the fiscal year.  Of course, it's mandated by State statute what our salaries are, so in the end, even if they furloughed us, they'd just have to pay us the money owed to us at a later date.  So, really, that wouldn't save them money in the long run.  So glad they decided to make this move-- large, heavy weight off of my shoulders.

I started my second job tonight.  It's like being back in the saddle again.  Missed Purcell so fucking much!  This money from this job will just be gravy money-- gonna build up my savings like a motherfucker.  So psyched!

My ex, Chris the cop, emailed me about two weeks ago.  He apologized for treating me the way he did & told me that he loved me still.  It was very emotional.  I cried when I read the email.  Since then he's told me he's still interested in seeing me romantically.  I agreed to one date, but told him explicitely that I will not be seeing him exclusively, that I was different from how I used to be, & am dating around.  He didn't like that at all.  He told me he was a jealous guy & wouldn't be comfortable with me seeing other guys.  I told him point blank that he hurt me all those months ago-- broke my heart, even-- & I wasn't ready to put all my eggs in one basket because I didn't trust him not to drop them.  I said if he wanted to see me, he'd have to do things my way.  I have a right to be cautious & protect myself.  I don't trust him not to repeat what he did.  He destroyed the trust between us.  He's going to have to prove to me that he's not a complete asshole...

I'm dating someone new.  I know, I know, ALREADY?!?!?!?  I gotta move on sometime, right?  I weeped over Charlie for over a month-- literally every single day... It's time to move on.  My buddy Sean is so freaking glad, too.  He was beginning to lose hope that his fun drinking buddy wouldn't ever come back.  Charlie ended up pussying out completely in the end.  We won't be friends.

So, I met this guy on Valentine's day at Citywalk, where I am a regular, along with my buddy Sean.  Ironically, Citywalk is where I first met Charlie.  We used to chill in the karaoke room all night long along with Sean.  It's hard still to go back there.  It's still weird being there sans Charlie.  Citywalk just isn't the same; life just isn't the same...  Anyway, I was tired of being in that room, so I grabbed Sean & we walked around the club & hung out.  We ended up in Boogie Nights & were getting some dancing in before the club closed & I ended up dancing with this really pretty asian guy until the club closed.  I gave him my number & he texted me the next day.  He kept kinda texting me the next couple of days & we set up a coffee date later in the week.  I didn't know what kind of a person he was going to be.  I honestly thought he was going to be a douchebag like all the other guys I've ever met.  He was 30 minutes late for our date, but after he finally showed up & we got past the awkward first few minutes, we ended up talking for two hours.  Then we decided to go see a movie-- Wolfman sucks, don't waste your money because Benicio Del Toro is terrible-- & afterwards ate at IHOP.  We had a blast.  It was a good date.  Since then, we've seen each other most days in the week.

He's very interesting.  He's originally from Nepal.  He's bilingual & has been in the States for two years going to college for a computer science degree.  He's two years younger than I am, but it doesn't seem to matter.  It doesn't "feel" like he's younger... It's strange, but also feels so good. All I care about is that I can take him anywhere.  He's been single for about 5 years because he got his heart royally broken.  He told me he's tired of being alone & he's very glad he met me.  Things are moving quite quickly between us, but for some reason I'm not too terribly bothered by it.  Maybe this is what I've been waiting for & this is what I'm ready for.  I've never met anyone like him before.  He treats me like I hung moon.  It's a very nice & huge change from how men normally treat me.  I don't feel like I'm begging for table scraps.

I guess we'll see how things go.  I'm already contemplating agreeing to moving to "girlfriend" status.

Guess I'm gonna end up telling Chris to go fuck himself...

FML

Feb. 4th, 2010 02:17 pm
gothicotter: (Default)
I am so fucked. Life just keeps getting worse. I feel like I'm constantly having the wind knocked out of me. Where's the coffee break? Where's the intermission? I just can't get ahead. I just can't win.

My finances right now are fucked because of my irresponsibility back in December. I will never just ignore my finances again, even if I have the Flu From Hell.

I just found out last night that we're being furloughed for sure 4 days a month from March through June. It's like being sucker punched. Please, just kick me while I'm down, why don't you? As if my life didn't already suck enough!

My personal life is just fucked. I came to the hard realization this week that I was indeed wrong about Charlie loving me. He doesn't feel anything more than friendship for me. He's been in love with someone else the whole time. I was simply a surrogate until she was available. Once again, I fell in love with someone who will never love me back. I suppose it is my own damn fault. I broke the rules & let it mean more to me than it should have. I guess I brought this on myself. I have weeped every day this week.

Out of the blue, an ex who humiliated me in the worst way emailed me. We haven't spoken for 3 years. He apologized for the way he treated me all those years ago. The funny thing is, I didn't get angry, I didn't berate him... I forgave him. I don't see how I could after what he did to me. He doesn't deserve me to be kind to him. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. What kind of person am I? I must be crazy.

I just wish things would stop going so terribly. I want to be happy again. Why won't anyone love me? What is wrong with me?
gothicotter: (Default)
I don't think that Charlie loves me any longer. He cares somewhat, but he doesn't love me. It hurts so damn much. I have a sucking chest wound that hurts physically everytime I inhale. I just want to let the air out of my lungs & not breathe anymore. I want this to stop hurting. I don't understand why a person wouldn't want to be loved. I would be a wonderful constant in his life. I'd be able to be there whenever he needed me, I'd be patient with his moods, I'd be there for comfort & companionship. I'd be there when things got hard & when they were going beautifully. I am the best thing that has happened to him & he's letting me walk out of his life. He's not going to realize his mistake until it's too late-- he's too stubborn & proud.

I am hurting so much that I cannot find the words to express it-- only my face twisted in agony, misery, weeping tears I cannot stop.
gothicotter: (Default)
My mother called today, just to tell me she loved me. She's never done that before. I missed the phonecall. I don't know how to feel.

I am angry that I missed it & am so sad, so disappointed, that I missed the opportunity to hear her express that sentiment right to me.
gothicotter: (Default)
Things with Charlie & I are good right now. Our relationship is progressing the way I have been hoping it would & I am comfortable with the slow pace. We're becoming a bit more intimate in our emotional relationship & are at the point that he pulled out a family album last week that included pictures of his parent's wedding & his baby pictures. Things are still crazy as he & his roommates are still recovering from the holidays & the dynamic has been different. Hopefully we'll go back to the constant communication soon. I miss having him as a daily presence & I miss the nightly routine we used to have with a conversation before bed ending in wishing sweet dreams to each other. Outside of missing that, I am content with our relationship. I've never been in love with someone that I was so sure loved me back & he doesn't even have to say it.

On the financial front, things aren't looking too great. We've been informed that DPS will be commencing with furloughs starting in March. They've decided to furlough every employee four days a month for four months. This is not a good thing at all. I'm going to be losing my rent plus $100. I can't afford to be hit that bad, therefore I've began the ordeal of looking for a part time job to try & make up for what I'm losing. I want something in the line of work I'm already in as it would be the easiest to handle & I have the experience that makes me valuable. Right now it's just a matter of finding an agency that has part time work & then has a position available. If I can't find anything in communications, then I have no idea where to start. Our Policy & Procedure forbids us from working in an establishment where alcohol is the main money maker, so the bar scene is out. I don't know if some of the higher end restaurants would be under that provision or not seeing as they DO serve alcohol... I really would prefer not to work in the food service business however. I hated it so much in the past. I cannot imagine that I would love it now.

I am dreading the next 6 months. I really hope it all turns out to be scare tactics...

On a completely different note (& to close out this entry with something happier), one of my Troopers stopped David Allen Coe on Friday during my shift & I was the one that ran his information. It was pretty awesome actually. He gave me the information & as I was reading it back I was like, "Really? Are you serious?!?!". I had him call in after he cleared the stop & he confirmed to me that it really was him! Freaking awesome! If it wasn't for my crack-like karaoke habit, I'd have never caught on to who that was! XD
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