May. 25th, 2009

gothicotter: (Default)
I am so lonely. Lonesome. Alone.

It is amazing to me how I can be with someone & still be so sad, so lonely. I have no support right now. My boyfriend is off God knows where on another transport; I haven't seen him in over a month & I'm beginning to forget those little things that lovers focus on in each other. My BFF is unreachable as her phone service is off. I can't get ahold of Pastor Tom to talk to as he's probably busy with evening Bible study.
I am still stuck against this wall when it comes to God. I still resent Him for not saving me & showing me mercy to pull me out of my childhood. I am still angry that I had to do it alone & that I had to do it all myself, with no support or real help. Still the same old people taking advantage the way they always do.

I am so cynical, but at the same time, I am regretfully a caring soul. I wish I could be cold-blooded & heartless because I'm sure then the loneliness & pain wouldn't matter-- it would be easy to take out the rage & sorrow on someone else & feel no remorse. I am, however, not capable of such cruelty. I care too much about how people around me feel. I wish I could be nasty, but it's just not in me.

But, back to God. I don't seem to be capable of humbleness before God anymore-- being able to say, "I'm unworthy of Your love." I am worthy of love. I feel it is like taking steps backwards to say otherwise, like I'm undoing all the work I have done to rebuild my self-esteem & come into myself as a woman, no, a human being. I feel as though to say I am unworthy makes all the things done to me OK & they are definitely NOT OK.

I know I deserve love, respect, peace, happiness, prosperity... I deserve a wonderful whole life & all my dearest dreams fulfilled. The things I need, the things I wish most deeply for, are really not so strange. They are what every person needs, dreams about. My one wish? To be loved, completely. I want someone to hold me & love me. The one person in the world that I want this with doesn't seem to be paying attention. Ironically, the ones I love never seem to. I believe that as transparent as they claim I am, I must be a master at masking the things that are most important, burying the things that really matter.

And again, God. I don't know where to start with this. I can't seem to participate in "worship". I feel as though I'm crippled. I wish I had some support in this, someone to hold my hand through it. In my head, my imagination, my ideal, this support equates to a husband, or a relationship on the same level-- someone who would be my best friend, lover, someone to encourage me spiritually, who knows me well. I suppose it's solid support with a good foundation. I don't know where to find that. I feel as though until I have this kind of support I won't be able to get past this wall & allow myself to become close to & accept God again.

I just still don't understand how to embrace a God that allows Daddies to rape their little girls or allows anyone to become damaged in that fashion, allowing people to become so utterly destroyed. I am still so raw on the inside. I don't know where to begin.

I've tried just jumping in by attending a service, but it does nothing for me except make me feel more isolated in the midst of being completely surrounded by people. I see the faces & relationships around me & still feel so jealous of the happy children & teens , the happy couples, the smiling choir. It makes me feel worse. I feel no connection whatsoever to any of this. It's like being numb, completely shut down, like a zombie all over again. I know that I've associated pain & betrayal with religion for so long that I think it's become a trigger. I think my mind shuts down to autopilot so that I can survive until after the service. I can think of no other explanation.

I am sane, but I think I'm still so broken. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend about this, I think it might help, but I don't think I can. He doesn't seem all that interested in what's going on with me, is impossible to get ahold of, & doesn't seem to want to share what's going on in his life with me-- he blames it on being busy, which I don't doubt at all, but if someone is important to me I create time out of thin air if I have to just to shoot out an email or make a phone call. The only person who doesn't push me away & shut me out is Fuzzy & I don't get to see or talk to her very often anymore.

I don't know where to begin. I can't seem to gain insight anywhere. I just seem to push everything down until I'm home alone one day & can't talk myself out of feeling so lonely that I break down in tears. I am tired of crying. I just want so badly to be loved, & to know I'm loved. It does not help if someone does love you but never says so, never reinforces the thought that you're really loved. I need it to be plain. No more games.

Ugh, my thoughts are so confused.
gothicotter: (Default)
I need to learn to break things down & deal with one feeling or problem at a time.

I am lonely. I have established this. I know I'm being selfish when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend, but I don't know how else to feel. I feel like I'm doing all the work & he's just showing up when he feels like it. I know this is not fair, but this is how I've been feeling lately. I would love to be there for him, to be support, to be able to do things for him, show him I care, but he doesn't let me. He doesn't talk or communicate with me. I never know what's going on in his life because he never tells me. He's constantly pushing me away.

My frustration is being internalized & I think the byproduct is this loneliness. He won't let me be there for him & in turn, he's not really there for me. And I am frustrated.

I feel selfish, but how else am I to feel? I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall & it just refuses to give at all. I don't know what to do, can't do anything, without his cooperation.

I miss him so much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his kisses, hugs. I miss his love of chocolate, Mexican food, & Dr Pepper. I miss the way he smells & feels. I miss watching his brows knit together in concentration when he's looking over his stocks, or how his face lights up & glows when he talks about his daughter. I miss hearing him snore in his sleep, for Christ sakes!

I am hopelessly in-love with him, but I don't know how much more of the isolation I can take. It's so frustrating.


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