Jan. 2nd, 2010

gothicotter: (Default)
Who am I supposed to be, not like you give a fuck about me, but who am I supposed to be? [Hurt]

Since Joe & I broke up, I've been dating around, seeing people, but nothing serious or anyone I'd be willing to have anything beyond fun sex with. I've been afraid to fall in love again & be all vulnerable. I actually dated people to distract me from Joe. I was seeing a guy for a couple months that was seriously gorgeous. Had not an ounce of fat on him, simply because he was an MMA instructor. He's a lot of fun, likes to drink, & sing karaoke. He is a little bit of a tool, however, very ADD-- like, "Ooo! Shiney! Ooo! Squirrel!". He also has a huge amount of energy. Can only really stand him in small doses.

After him, I began seeing a karaoke DJ named Charlie. We'd been friends for a couple of months & I'd known he'd liked me for a while. I am really attracted to Charlie. He makes me laugh, really makes me happy, & the sex is amazing. The only thing I don't want is to be on the receiving end of him being angry. He has no filter between his brain & his mouth, so he can say some pretty harsh things that really cut deep. He's Scot/Irish/Welsh, just like me. I'm really falling hard for him. It's really complicated. Things for me can never be just simple & this time they're about as complicated as they can get. See, Charlie is in love with me too, he just won't admit it. He has this thing against relationships that are "serious". He, as he puts it, is a "no strings attached, no tie-down, casual" guy. I'm ok with that for the most part, until I fall in love. Then "simple" relationships become complicated. Part of his problem with serious relationships is his health. Charlie doesn't have kidneys that work. When he was in his early 20's he caught strep & didn't finish taking the antibiotics, so it stuck around in his system & ended up killing his kidneys. He had a transplant, but it ended up not working out after a while. He survives on dialysis. This does not bother me. At all. It's just a part of who he is. He seems to be a bit embarrassed of his dialysis at times, like when he had a catheter port in his chest, he'd apologize for it & tell me not to look at it. It never bothered me, nor did it get in my way. Same with the dialysis shunt in his arm-- never bothered me one bit, in fact I think it's kinda cool because you can feel the fluids moving through it & if you lay your ear on his arm, you can hear it. It sounds like water through a hose. It fascinates me. Anyway, I think because his health isn't perfect, he's hesitant to get into a "serious" relationship because he may end up hurting the other person by getting sick or, God forbid, dying. He says he loves passionately & gets pissed with the same vigor. I do agree & I think that's another thing. He doesn't want to get hurt, so he's trying to stay emotionally distant. I don't think it's working very well because I'm sure he's in love with me. I tried to stay emotionally distant, but it didn't work. I'm ok with that, I just don't know what's going to happen between us. I haven't told him how I feel either. I don't think we'll cross that line, no matter how much we care. If we were, he'd have to do it first. I don't want to be rejected again.

I always fall for the person that doesn't want a relationship or doesn't want to love me. I always make the same mistakes over & over. I can't live with anyone. I want a long-term relationship with someone who is ok with not cohabitating. I want a relationship that boils down to a very close friend, albeit best friend, with benefits. I do want love & I want someone to love me. I want someone to appreciate all of me. I do not want a husband. I have gotten to a point in my life where I don't see the point in marriage. I've ridden that pony before anyway, & I have no desire to get back on. I don't even know if I ever want children. I know absolutely not now, but I don't know if I ever do. I want my freedom but I want so badly for a loving relationship. I don't know if Charlie will end up being what I want. One of my best friends tells me that he thinks he will end up being "Mr. Longhaul", but that would mean Charlie would have to open his life to a long-term relationship & I just don't know if that would happen. I think strongly it will not, simply based on what he has repeated to me in the past.

Part of me wishes he'd change his mind because I love him, but the other part of me, the skeptical part, knows he won't. I just don't have that kind of luck.

It looks like I struck out again.

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April 2011

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