Jan. 10th, 2011

gothicotter: (Default)
The idea that rape victims are better off dead is being touted by some as a patriarchal virtue. 

I just read about St Maria Goretti. In the article I read, it suggested that she was canonized during a time when the Catholic Church wished to address the "immorality of the times". It also suggests that Benito Mussolini desired to have a Saint from among the farmers that he had recently conquered in order to pacify them. All of this is being illustrated as a way for men to keep women down by romanticizing being brutally murdered instead of surviving sexual trauma. 

I have often thought that I would have been better off dead, that death is a mercy to someone who has been raped. In a way, it is. Not having to deal with PTSD-- no nightmares, no eating disorders, no flashbacks, no having to tiptoe through life to avoid triggers-- would be such a blessing. No longer having to live in a minefield... Death certainly seems inviting. 

Yet, I have known a survivor who chose that way. I have known a person who I loved dearly that left by her own hand. She left such pain behind for me. It is worse for me because she's gone. 

Is that the effect that would happen should I ever choose that path? Honestly, I understand why Anna took her life. Right now in my own life, death seems such a mercy-- the only way to be at peace & not to hurt any longer. I know how she felt. I'm in her shoes-- it is so very lonely & so very painful. 

I found out today that the transfer request I submitted back in May has been lost. I tried so hard to take the news well. Even now I just feel like crying. I've fallen through the cracks yet again. I put the transfer request in because I need to be in a much less consistently high-paced environment-- slower pace = less stress. Now, because someone somewhere screwed up, my chance could be threatened. I was also informed a few weeks ago that I'm in competition with another coworker who has also put in a request for the same assignment. That person has been here much longer than I so it may be futile to want the transfer if it is decided by seniority. I feel so powerless...

The PTSD is causing so many problems. I'm having to suppress the effects as much as possible at work. It's causing absolute havoc in my personal life. I'm having trouble with my memory again. I'm losing track of time. I constantly check the time & look at the calendar to try & keep track of reality. It's becoming harder & harder. 

I'm hoping to speak to my new therapist later this week about this specific symptom. I'm beyond stressed. I feel extremely anxious when thinking about my job & wish every second spent driving to work that I am instead back at home hiding under my blankets with my cats. I cringe when I walk in because I don't know what kind of atmosphere I will be walking into. And I am afraid to say anything to anyone because I don't want to be punished. It is so hard to try to be like everyone else when I'm not. 

I physically hurt from the psychological pain. I just want it to stop, to go away. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to be a normal person so I may be able to offer my boyfriend a wonderful partnership. I don't want to be the screwed up one. I want to be happy again. I want to be responsible & in charge of my life again. 

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gothicotter

April 2011

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