gothicotter: (Default)
[personal profile] gothicotter
I need to learn to break things down & deal with one feeling or problem at a time.

I am lonely. I have established this. I know I'm being selfish when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend, but I don't know how else to feel. I feel like I'm doing all the work & he's just showing up when he feels like it. I know this is not fair, but this is how I've been feeling lately. I would love to be there for him, to be support, to be able to do things for him, show him I care, but he doesn't let me. He doesn't talk or communicate with me. I never know what's going on in his life because he never tells me. He's constantly pushing me away.

My frustration is being internalized & I think the byproduct is this loneliness. He won't let me be there for him & in turn, he's not really there for me. And I am frustrated.

I feel selfish, but how else am I to feel? I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall & it just refuses to give at all. I don't know what to do, can't do anything, without his cooperation.

I miss him so much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his kisses, hugs. I miss his love of chocolate, Mexican food, & Dr Pepper. I miss the way he smells & feels. I miss watching his brows knit together in concentration when he's looking over his stocks, or how his face lights up & glows when he talks about his daughter. I miss hearing him snore in his sleep, for Christ sakes!

I am hopelessly in-love with him, but I don't know how much more of the isolation I can take. It's so frustrating.

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gothicotter

April 2011

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