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[personal profile] gothicotter
I've survived another year. This time, I haven't been abused, not even once-- not hit, not assaulted, nothing. It's sad to think it took 22 years to make me intimidating enough to get assholes to leave me alone. I finally have courage & self-esteem.

I am happy to be alive & whole. I am living in a good neighborhood & I have awesome friends. I'm seeing someone new, but I'm not going to fall in love this time. This time it's something casual & fun, no strings attached, no romance. We're friends & we hang out, but we also cuddle & have sex. Right now, this is what I need. I need a drinking buddy who'll sing karaoke with me (which is my new hobby) & be comfortable with not talking to me every single day, someone who can take my humor & play with me, someone very interested in sex. Right now, I'm content.

My heart is off-limits. I've never made that decision before, but it's what I need right now. I've been on a romantic rollarcoaster for years & I need to just recover from all the shit that I got in return. I'm bitter, I'm jealous, so I'm closed for business, but that doesn't mean I can't still have fun.

My family seems to be slowly piecing itself back together. I visited my mom for a few days this summer & my second mom as well. It was wonderful. I had missed them so much. I am going back for two weeks next year. My sister is back in my life & so is my little brother. She sent me a MySpace message recently apologizing for all the shit & wanting to make up. We did & I'm glad-- I've missed her. As for my little brother, I sent him a Happy Halloween text message & he called me. He was happy to talk to me & said he missed me. He's engaged & seems happy in general. It's so good having them back in my life. I hope things stay pleasant.

I also saw my old pastor & his wife as I made an appearance at the church I used to attend while I was visiting my mother. I actually managed to get through a whole service with very few tears shed. It didn't help that the pastor stood me up in front of the whole congregation in the middle of the service to brag about me & how I work for OHP-- I wanted to melt into the floor. If they were gunning for embarrassment, they were successful.

I also heard from my ex, Brady. The damn juvenile delinquent grew up to be a fireman & paramedic, & is gonna be going to CLEET soon. I was absolutely shocked; he really cleaned up his act. I'm proud of him. I kinda feel like a mother hen. Actually, I don't know what it is about ex's calling me up out of the blue this past year. I had another ex, John, do that a few months back. I guess people are figuring out how great a catch I actually am. Well, that's what I think at least as they all seem like they're trying to get back into my life. I wonder how that actually works. Is it random? Or more like they've been thinking of me all this time...Who knows.

I wonder what this next year is going to bring me. Hopefully continued safety & healthier living.

people change

Date: 2009-11-05 04:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Some change for the better, others ... not so much. Some change for the worse. I've seen that, too. Some don't change at all, which is sad because I love to look back and see how much better I am today, than say, two or three years ago.

I'm still conscientiously and carefully presenting myself as a NON-target for abusers and still reeling from all the kinds of abuse my foster father and his family and church set me up for.

That'll be my reponsibility. I have to put on my big guy boxers, deal with and get over it.

I'm very proud of you! =)

Date: 2009-11-13 11:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It's good to hear an update from you, even better to hear that you are doing well. Loving yourself is one of the best choices you can make, and I am so happy to hear that you are able to do so. =)

Date: 2010-01-04 12:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hi, Otter, it's your birthday today so this is sortakinda off-topic... but thinking of you and hoping you are having a day totally filled with those things you love most!


Date: 2010-01-05 05:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you so much, Brad. I have had a good birthday this year. :)


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