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I've been feeling overwhelmed the last few days. I've been all over the place emotionally because my hormones are out of whack. Some of it has leaked over into my relationship with my boyfriend. It has stressed us both out. We had our first disagreement earlier this week. Of course, my luck, it was about sex. Go figure. So much of my life has been affected by sex. It has torn me apart in the past when it was used for violence. It has also healed me when it is in the confines of a loving relationship. Our disagreement was simply miscommunication but it still shook us a bit. We are working through it. He has a few misconceived notions about how hormonal birthcontrol works. I'm trying my best to explain it to him. He says he trusts me, but it is hard to trust that when at the same time he is saying he doesn't trust the method of birthcontrol I use & have successfully used since I was 17. *sigh* I think this might take time. 

He is planning to go back to visit his parents this fall. He will be gone for two months. He wanted me to come with him, but I can't take that much time off. I may be able to take a month off next year to go, but that is the best that I can do. He was disappointed that I couldn't go this year, but is pleased to hear that I can next year. He really wants to introduce me to his parents. He is hoping that they will like me enough to grant him permission to marry. Yes, I said marry. He wants to marry me. He told me this a few weeks back & I told him wait & ask me in a year. He said he knows he'll never find another girl like me. He loves my heart, the person I am on the inside. I know he won't find another like me. He is one of a kind as well. I find him so physically beautiful but his kindness is what I love the most about him. We finally agreed that he could ask me again in four months. I have three months left. I already know what my answer will be.

I am a bit scared-- on so many levels. First, the fact that I am so sure that I want to marry him. It scares me. My first marriage was a disaster. Will I be able to work together with him to create one that will last our lives? Marriage in his culture is a HUGE deal. It is permanent. Only very rarely are divorces granted & divorcees aren't exactly prime choices to marry. I am hoping his parents don't have a problem with me. His roommates tell me not to worry, that everyone will love me. I hope that this is the case. 

I am considering getting remarried. Holyshit it scares me! I am considering marrying someone from a different country--he is not even an American citizen! There is so much cultural difference--how am I to handle all of this? I know that I'll be more versed in his culture & the languages of his country by the time I go on this trip. I know I won't be going over there alone, that I will be with the best guide imaginable-- a man who adores me & will take care of me. I am a little afraid of the trip. I will be in a country where I do not speak the language fluently, where women are taken a little less seriously, where I will be in need of being taken care of, being protected. How do I go from my freedom & independence here to being on Sanju's arm for an entire month simply because I won't know how to survive in Nepal alone? It is overwhelming. 

Also, so many things I have to do in preparation. I have to get my passport, save up the money for a plane ticket, money for the trip, arrange for my felines, bills, etc. Tim says he won't mind watching the felines for me while I'm gone. That's a relief. I was beginning to worry how I was going to convince Josie to take care of them for a month... Which reminds me, I'm going to miss them so much!

I haven't even began thinking about what I'm going to tell my mother or when. She has always been the dissonant voice when it comes to my romances in the past. She never really has had much contact with the people I've dated. They always have turned out to be Barneys. Sanju, however, is different. When my mother got remarried, it happened very soon after she met her second husband. I didn't even meet him until a year after they'd married & the first time I spoke to him on the phone was the day before the wedding. I'm not going to tell her until she gets the chance to meet him. I don't know when that will be, but I do want her to meet him before we marry, which won't happen until his parents meet me.  

So much to think about, I can't even get all my thoughts in line to put them down... Hopefully I'll be able to digest all of this soon.   

I'll be right here.

Date: 2010-03-29 02:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] babysprite.livejournal.com
Imagine a older man - a gentle fellow - sitting in his favorite chair with a cup of tea and a good book - wearing his favorite comfort clothes, fuzzy sweater and sweatpants, reading a good book. His gentle blue eyes, the eyes of a child with an old soul, looking your way.

I'll be right here, Otter. I'm not going anywere. Sit by me and let things out of your system, if you need to. I'll never abandon you. What kind of thing would that be for a fellow to abandon his friends? So I'll be right here. I'm not going anywere.

Edited Date: 2010-03-29 02:54 am (UTC)

Fears

Date: 2010-03-30 03:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jujen-kai.livejournal.com
Fears can eat you up, and they will be there every day until the moment you get back, at which point you will realize that all the fears were (almost) groundless. I won't say you shouldn't be concerned, 'cause...well, just read your own entry. You pretty much covered it. I will, however, say that you can conquer these fears.

Plus? Nepal, girl! You're gonna go to a magnificent country and see a culture you've only dreamed about 'til now! The memories alone will make the trip worth it, even were you not going for the reasons you are.

This is a wondrous thing. As I've said, sit back now and just enjoy the love you feel. Let it wash over you and cleanse the damages of the previous asshats who have been such disappointments.

You are loved, little one. You deserve it.

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