I can't seem to breathe without you.
You invade my dreams & my thoughts constantly.
I am so sad & alone without you.
I close my eyes & I see you.
I cry because you're not in my arms.
I want to make you understand.
I know you've made your decision.
I know I lost.
I can't seem to forget you.
I wish you felt the same.
Like the tears from my eyes.
My love for you is strong
& my heart is easily bruised.
Trust is hard
Yet to you it is given.
Examples are shown to me
Making me out to be a fool.
I cry for you alone
& never wanting to let you go.
My heart is yours
Forever & eternal.
I wait on you
Without you by my side
I am incomplete.
You are my soul
My heart is yours
I am complete
In your arms.
Waiting is so hard
But it will prove to be worth it.
We will prove everyone wrong
For love is not terrible.
We will go on together
We will love & be loved
We will be happy
& supremely content.
We will have children
& will teach them love
True, pure, & honest
It will be a new example.
We will smash & shattter
that mold that we're forced into.
We will prove that Dreams
Really do come true.
We are the proof
We are the future
When we're apart
We are incomplete
Together we are whole.
You need to listen. I feel like I'm standing in a room full of people & I'm trapped inside a transparent sound-proof booth screaming at the top of my lungs for you to look my way & you are too fucking blind to see me pounding my bloodied fists against the panes.
Why do people say one thing & do another? They make me believe I am a human being & then they treat me like a fucking piece of shit. So, which is it? Am I an equal, a Lady, or am I a fucking Whore that can be kicked around & used however one chooses to use me? Why make statements or "promises" & then just act like they were never even uttered? If you promise to spend time with me, at least make a noticeable effort! Don't sit there & tell me that you love me & love spending time with me, & then just ignore me. What makes you think that I appreciate hypocritical statements in leu of failed effort? I'd rather you outright lie to me then give me hope & smash it all to pieces!
And what the hell is up with the two-faced bullshit? If you aren't my friend, then don't pretend to be one! If you really want to harm me & make me hurt & miserable, then just fucking do it & don't be all nice & sweet to my face & then spread crap behind my back! Stop being a coward. If you don't like me, then fucking tell me! I've finally got you figured out. You know, I know that you've lied to my face! What? You think that I am too stupid to know? You forget I have my sources too. I may be young & naive, but I do have people that truly care about me & really want to take care of me. They will protect me. They are my eyes and ears as I am for them as well. Don't expect me to just be there when you need me if you treat me that way, because I WILL NOT BE THERE. Fuck you & your back-stabbing crap! Stop sabotaging my life! Take your jealousy & get the hell out of my life! It's not my fault that I work hard to get what I have! It's not my fault that your life is the way it is! Your choices are completely your fault, not mine! Go be with your psuedogirlfriend & forget the fact that I stood behind you & stood up for you when other people said crap about you.
Forget the fact that I worshipped the ground you walked on
& would do anything in my power to make you smile as best I can.
Forget that I loved you wholeheartedly
& was willing to be there for you every step of the way.
Forget the fact that when you needed help I didn't turn you away.
I dropped everything to come to your aide,
even if that meant spending my last dime to help.
Forget the many nights I sacrificed on my days off
to keep you company throughout your shift.
Forget my entire weekend that I spent
by your side taking care of you.
Forget that I listened to what you had to say
& didn't go out & have fun as an adult.
Forget that I stayed with your kids
so you could go out & party.
Forget that I would check on you
& make sure you were alright.
Forget that I confided in you.
Forget that I misplaced my trust in you.
I will never trust you again.
Forget that I got angry for you
when you told me what he did.
I wanted to kill him.
Forget that when you dumped me
I still was your faithful friend.
Forget that I trusted you enough
to tell you about my new love.
Forget that I ignored the warning signs
that you were pitting me against my enemy.
I didn't believe it,
but then I tested you,
& you failed.
I will never trust you again.
Why do you hate me so much? What have I done to hurt you? I'm sorry that the love of your life left you. I'm sorry that you are so miserable with a husband that adores you & wonderful children. I'm sorry that you're overweight & have plenty to eat. I'm sorry you have land & a place to live on it. I'm sorry that you have two vehicles that are not wrecked. I'm sorry that you have a mother who loves you & a stepdaddy who adores you. I'm sorry that all of your family lives in close proximity to you. I'm sorry that I was born in the late eighties & you weren't. I'm sorry that I've got my diploma & you don't. I've offered sincerily to help you study for your GED, but you keep refusing the help. I'm sorry that you can't go anywhere in your current state of educational crap & financial instability. I'm sorry for all these things that are NOT MY FAULT!
Stop blaming me. Blaming me, getting me canned, & just generally hurting me will not change your station in life. Only you can do that.
Holding my breath
The excitement of possibility
Shoots through my veins
Letting my breath out
Trying to calm
Beats faster as though
Hammers in my head
Roaring like the clouds
By a silvery plane
From my CD Player
Reverberates in my ears
Feeding my soul
Mindless & constant
Permeates the terminal
Rises & falls
Eagerness to continue
On my journey home
For those closest to me
Fills my thoughts
Yet I push it away
Sands of Time.
Has eyes like the stars
Lips of soft down
An untiring scent
Smile as bright as the sun
Smooth like the moon.
He is gentle & silky
Kind & caring
Sensitive, yet manly.
He is a dream I hope to find
An elusive goal
A fantasy of hope
Spiritual & fulfilling
A deep connection
Felt through Time & Space
A Love of extraordinary origins.
He is a figment of perfection
With perfect flaws
& perfect humour
With perfect changes
& stability through it all
Confidence & dreams
Secure & content
Uncensored & honest.
He is someone who
Will never leave
Someone to grow old with
To laugh at random stupidity
Someone with whom
My life can be spent.
Caring, Gentle, Perfectly Sensitive,
Manly, Patient, Open, Listening,
Talking, Pondering, Comfortable,
Likeable, Directed, Understanding,
Clear, Honest, Promising, Desireable,
Wonderful, Handsome, Adorable, Honorable,
Committed, Hopeful, Faithful, Spiritual,
Wonderful, Perfect Height, Smart, Happy,
Secure, Familiar, Playful, Soft, Serious When Needed,
Mysteriously Connected, Similar Interests, Equal Status,
Goals, Makes My Heart Pound, Makes My Soul Long & Pine,
Confident, Cooling, Warming, Balming, Lovely, Perfect...
The things they bring to light
The thoughts made clear
of the blue evanescence of reality.
The light of experience
sheds a fuzzy illumnus
on objects of the hidden psyche.
I scramble for things of importance
To make the impression
The wisdoms of earthly gods.
Silently, music filters
The impurities of thought,
Like a bow
Run across the strings of a cello,
The paths of complete thought
Surround me in heavenly euphoria.
Through conversation spark words
Ignited in streaming flame.
The burning sensations
Of desire & thought
Filter through my veins,
Making my spirit soar
To a place where I am with you.
In my mind,
I see you smiling
I hear your voice
& I am surrounded
By the delicious &
Of your soul
In an emotional embrace.
The connections felt assure
My bruised heart
Of truth & life.
Hope springs anew
In the deepest recesses
Of my mind
Light is shed
In the darkest corners
Where webs unknown to myself
Sparkle & blink
In the dew of new existance.
I am remade,
Given a new life,
Full of dreams,
& a peace
In the eye of the storm.
The sound of your breath
Brings my thoughts back to you
& I am
I'm like a cat.
The world I see
Through jade eyes,
Curious & all-knowing
Of pain & sadness.
I live like a cat,
Alone & silent.
I'm soft, like a cat,
& I flick my tail
To those I see.
I also die like a cat;
Over & over
I am sacrificed to gods
Of heartbreak & suicide.
Like a cat,
I am left behind,
Left to search
For another life,
To love faithfully
Till I am thrown out
& trampled on
Who do not see.
My coat is like that of a cat,
Hiding what is inside.
Easily, my claws are shown,
& harder to retract.
I wait for the day
Who takes them from me.
I must protect myself
& I will be
Like a cat.
Trying to be
As patient as I can
I feel myself run dry
I don't understand why
Why is it so hard?
What is the point?
When everything seems
So bright and grey
Indecision rips through us
Pulling apart our soul
Crying tears of pain and sorrow
Either way taken
Will make another hurt
Therefore no way taken
You sit at a crossroads
You look at two promises
Love or Misery?
Which will you choose?
When a choice must be made
My greatest fear
I know your choice
You make it
I will lose
In this game of Mirrors
Oh my gosh I am so content in this confusion.
You're in my head and my heart.
You've uprooted my world.
You've spun me out of control.
You've brought my dreams into reality.
You've begun to permanently insert yourself into my spirit,
This I do not understand.
And I wish to understand everything.
Knowledge is freedom.
You make me free.
I've never experienced a freedom quite like this.
It's just the opposite of her.
I was tamed for her.
You've set me free.
I can do anything.
I will spread my wings and fly.
I am free of her bonds.
You are a breath of fresh air
And I breathe in your cologne.
You are sweet and bitter on my tongue.
The very thought of you makes me tremble in longing.
You fill me and bring safety that I've never known.
I am content in your arms.
I could lay there forever and a day.
I am no longer fragile.
Love is so fucking unpredictable.
One minute you're sure about it, the next you're blindsided.
It just makes no sense. But then that's part of the attraction and charm.
Attraction and charm...
"Things are so confusing. I thought I had it figured out. Then this happens. WHATTHEFUCK?"
I do enjoy being in love.
WHERE did this come from?
WHY did it happen?
I am in love and I like it.
I just had the best orgasm ever...I can still feel it...and It happened hours ago.
Absolutely amazing...This is most definately a first.
I am still glowing. Let's do that again. I miss you.
And I don't think I can honestly be with another person for a while longer.
Oh my God I'm so fucked up.
Here's to the girl that wrecked my world...
If I had a beer or tequila I would so drink it and think of her.
One woman can shatter your world...
These words are so true.
Poets and romantics know these words to be true.
God, all I want to do is listen to sad country music.
I want to go to a dark, smokey bar, drink myself into oblivion, and listen to sad country songs.
Men don't even come close to wrecking one's world the way a woman does.
Does no one understand?
so i say, "i miss you..."
"for her, i'd break my heart a thousand times over...
...and it would be worth it."
i miss you
your messy hair
your striking eyes
the way your cheeks dimple when you grin
and the way you tilt your head back to laugh
i miss the strength of your hands
and the gentleness of your kisses
i miss the way you looked at me
the day i wore that low-cut shirt
i miss the way your hair looked
when it was touseled and wet
you were so sensual in that towel
so i kissed your skin
i miss the way i could make you nervous with just one look
and the way you'd grin when you did the same to me.
i miss the way you looked in that shirt and those pants
the ones that made my knees buckle
why did you have to go?
was it me?
i see you everyday
and i bite my tongue
all i want is to take you in my arms
and never let you go
i see you with him
and it breaks my heart
if only i had what was necessary
if only it was now you could stay
it hurts when i hear you say things you did
i want to know, but i don't
for your sake, it's good that things are better
but for my sake, they break my heart
i don't want to see you bow your head
to submit to that slavery
i don't want to see you unhappy
and keeping that anger in
just let it out
tell me how you feel
and let me whipe away your tears
be real and honest
don't shut me out too
you try to be cold
but it's not working
no matter what i'm here
and i miss you
your eyes are piercing
your hair silky
your skin so soft
your kisses so sweet
your breath spicy
your smile brilliant
your hands strong
you are beyond amazing
i care for you far more than i should
already, my attachments run deep
i shall be here
standing like a stone
for the day you can be mine
and only mine
i dream of the day we fall alseep
together in eachother's arms
i dream of being held throughout the night
and the comfort and tranquility i'd find.
no nightmares, only sweet dreams
dreams of you.
The Day I Died
What is it like to live?
What is life really like?
the true life that i have never experienced.
the life i pine and dream of
the life that is never real.
i dream of death
of total peace
i dream of hope
i wish for relief
for stillness amidst chaos
something i have never had.
i want truth
i want happiness
i want what i can't have
i am death
i am fear
i am the darkness that overtakes you
i am the stillness
i am the cold
i am the fingers that brush your neck
i cause your flesh to prickle
and your body to shake
i steal the last breath from you
i am the pain that you breathe
i am the sadness in your heart
i am the blood that pours
i am the tears that fall
i am the emotion
that courses through your veins
i am the cruelty in your fist
i am the bullet that blows your head to bits
i am the "fuck" that you utter
i am the shadow that stalks you
i am the paranoia
this is me
on the day i died
silently slowly you fill me.
the familiar pain of loss reverberates through my being once again.
thoughts of anger and feelings of terror plague my mind.
i need to be let go; i need resolution.
grief binds my hands and leaves me hanging.
true happiness is unknown and true compassion uninvented except in my head.
whatever perfection is lingers in my thoughts and curses my being.
my soul's death haunts me yet once again.
my thoughts are drawn back to a time of utter helplessness and despair.
my memories drown me and i flail pitifully against an ocean of heartbreak.
anger like a demon rears it's ugly head and a part of me bad comes alive.
my darkest persona emerges yet once again and my heart bleeds again.
i retreat into my darkness.
held down and frozen, i cannot move.
heavy and cruel i am forced beyond measure.
time after time they take it from me, more painful than the first time.
what can i do? who will believe me?
in the darkness i am safe; there is nothingness there.
sweet oblivion, how can i find you again?
some use drugs and beer, yet to me you are elusive.
truth is an enemy, yet a savior.
why can i not move on? why does this consume my life?
my whole being woven around the days that i died over and over again;
this ghost of a girl residing in a deep cavernous shell.
revenge is sweet, yet something i will never taste; a bitter fruit of such satisfaction.
in my hate i wish for his rape,
i wish they all be ripped apart.
using me so ill and abusing my heart and soul,
i want them to feel the same way i do, i want them to be fucked up and insane.
victim of forever, my pain will never cease.
i want their power taken from them, i want to be the one whipping.
to fucking vomit on their grave would be so much more satisfying.
yet, i want them to live, to experience even a small measure of my pain or more.
another one hurt and my heart crumbles and my eyes sting.
why is this so common? why must we bleed?
fuck you too.
my sister betrayed me. i told her, i showed her what he had done, what daddy had done. she looked at me with such shock and disgust. disbelief showed so plainly in her face. she told me, "confront him. confront him in front of everyone. then, only then will i believe you." i did. i swallowed my tears. i made my face burn from red to white and stood in front of them. they gathered in that room with the big sliding door and the tv. he sat on the couch and so did mom. my sister stood behind me. "she has something to say" it was a dare. if i ran away and said never mind, no one would ever believe me. it was so hard. my mouth opened and despite the fear and overwhelming shame, the words came out. i don't remember exactly what i said. i just know that my mother's face went white and my dad's face got red. i remember watching him stammer. he stammered an explanation. he minimized what he had done. my sister lied to me. she didn't believe me. to this day, she doesn't believe me. i want to be so angry, but what's the point? the bastard shot himself when i tried to get justice, and now she blames me for her pain. she says it's my fault for her feeling this way. she says she doesn't want anything to do with me. she doesn't want me to talk to any of "her" family. so where does her family end and mine begin? does that just mean her husband and her children, or does that include my mother, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles? i have always been the "punching bag". why me? is it because i am the youngest girl? even my little brother violates my emotions and makes me feel like i'm worthless. i cannot talk about what happened to me because they don't want to hear it. it hurts them too much. telling didn't really change anything. i was still ignored and abandoned. i was still treated like i was invisible. they never contact me and any contact i make is not welcomed. so, where does my pain end? aren't families supposed to be loving? aren't they supposed to support someone that has been hurt? why does mine not support me? when i went to group, my brother made fun of me and made scathing remarks that tore open my vulnerable wounds even more. my mother did nothing. she asked how it went, but i didn't want to share it with her. she did nothing to help me, so why should i tell her anything? the only reason i moved out was to get back the two things that gave me security. my cell phone for 911. my car to make a getaway. they took that from me, but if i left, they'd give it back. i wanted to be taken care of. i wanted to be happy. i didn't want to be punished any longer. i didn't want to be called "crazy" anymore. i didn't want to feel crazy anymore. why did you have to call me crazy, mom? why did you have to tell me i was nuts? kelly, why did you tell me i was a liar? why did you tell me that you would never believe me? why did you call me a loser for dropping out of school? i told you what had happened and what was going on. why did you tell me that you didn't believe me? why is it acceptable for you to bring home your live-in boyfriends to visit your siblings, but i can't bring my husband to meet you and your family? who cares if you didn't know we were married? you are a hypocrite. you hurt me almost as much as he did. you are a bitch. a stupid sadistic bitch. you think that since you have children that erases all your sins and makes you perfect? bullshit, it doesn't. i hate you, i fucking hate you. you are a slut and a whore. you've slept with half the state and yet you write mean letters to me when i'm going to give you a wonderful gift. you were gonna be the first to know that i was married. it was a gift. you know, you were there when he was assaulting me. you were even in the same room. he used to do it in front of all of you. you never even noticed my downward spiral. you never even heard my cries for help, or even saw my healing cuts or rope burns from hurting myself. they were blatant and right in front of you, but you just kicked me in the gut. if i had balls, you would've kicked me there. you did manage to kick me in the balls finally. how is that possible? it shouldn't be, but you did. how can you blame something that i had no control over on me? how can you tell me about your rapes and i believe you, but then not believe me when i tell you about mine? do you think you're the only one who gets that spotlight? i cannot even function. at least you got to graduate highschool and college. you can get a good job if you wanted and you have a good husband and children, even though i know you love another. you are a bitch not to be there for me. do you know how hard it is to hide something like this? do you know how hard it is to deal with this all alone? do you know what it is like to be shunned away? why me? why did it happen to me? if it was you telling me in tears on thanksgiving that you were victimized by daddy, i'd have believed you. you had the power to help me, but you chose to tear me apart instead. you are a bitch and a slut and a whore and a huge fat heifer. i fucking hate you for hurting me. you don't even give a shit about me. you are so thoughtless and rude and cruel. me calling...what about the terrible things you've done to me? the mean letters, the cruel emails... they just reinforce the idea that i'm not worth anything. if you cared, you'd have thought about it from my point of view. if i wanted to be mean, i would send this poem to you. but i'm much nicer and thoughtful than that because i know how you would feel. you've succeeded in making me feel cheap yet again. do you even know what a panic attack is? i think you don't. you don't know what it feels like to wakeup and feel like you can't breathe. you don't know what it's like to be terriffied of even moving. you don't know what it's like to not be able to go to school because you cannot at least speak coherant sentences, much less drive to school. no one was there for me. no one. i've been all alone. i know what it is to be alone. you are a bitch to judge. you are not and have never been in my situation. you did not have your childhood stolen. you do not know what it is like to not remember your past. i hate you. you are cruel. just like daddy.
Silence surrounds the everlasting hearth of darkness attacking the reality of life that holds me to this world.
Sharp pain slices through the thickness surrounding my heart, piercing it to my very backbone, grinding into flesh and soul.
Life is felt trickling from the veins held within the walls of this fragile shell of materiality.
It bores into my head, the memories flash within.
Only one such as me has ever experienced something so terrible, yet so common.
The unity of survivors and victims eludes my sight and clenched fist of blood.
Not even the vampyrs of the night could wrench it from my grasp.
The suffering held within the mind of childhood returns to thought and pours into my being.
Tears of pain and apathy for innocence lost run into tiny trails of icy crystals.
Life corrupted is thrown into my heart.
A future spent with painful dealings brings my heart to breaking on the edge of reason.
Thoughts and feelings overwhelm the tiny psyche inside my head; the tiny personality that lives within is tortured into many people.
Demons call to me from the deepest darkest corners of the mind.
They crone from behind cobwebs and twinkle severely behind the ever-eluding traces of sanity.
Life is turned into a dim of waking death.
If only I could be free…