gothicotter: (Default)
I have purchased Anna's old LJ username to set up her memorial journal. It is still being set up, but will hopefully have entries soon.

[livejournal.com profile] kiota  is now an active journal. 

Anna, you won't be forgotten nor erased.  We love you & miss you.

Anna

Apr. 12th, 2011 03:42 pm
gothicotter: (Default)
Tomorrow will be the anniversary of Anna's death. Yesterday I found out her journal was purged. I am hoping that someone has a copy in its entirety. I want to put her writings back up where they belong-- here. Her words were too important to be destroyed. She was too profound.

Now it's like she never existed. I will change that.
gothicotter: (SinFest Snail)
So, apparently Jon has had a girlfriend this entire time.

Why do I attract assholes?
gothicotter: (Default)
I'm so tired of being alone.

I look around me & see people who have their One & children to show for it-- big families. Where's my One? Is it this hard for everybody or just the ones who are mentally ill? Why is it so hard to find someone to actually love you?

All I want is to love & to be loved in return.
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The idea that rape victims are better off dead is being touted by some as a patriarchal virtue. 

I just read about St Maria Goretti. In the article I read, it suggested that she was canonized during a time when the Catholic Church wished to address the "immorality of the times". It also suggests that Benito Mussolini desired to have a Saint from among the farmers that he had recently conquered in order to pacify them. All of this is being illustrated as a way for men to keep women down by romanticizing being brutally murdered instead of surviving sexual trauma. 

I have often thought that I would have been better off dead, that death is a mercy to someone who has been raped. In a way, it is. Not having to deal with PTSD-- no nightmares, no eating disorders, no flashbacks, no having to tiptoe through life to avoid triggers-- would be such a blessing. No longer having to live in a minefield... Death certainly seems inviting. 

Yet, I have known a survivor who chose that way. I have known a person who I loved dearly that left by her own hand. She left such pain behind for me. It is worse for me because she's gone. 

Is that the effect that would happen should I ever choose that path? Honestly, I understand why Anna took her life. Right now in my own life, death seems such a mercy-- the only way to be at peace & not to hurt any longer. I know how she felt. I'm in her shoes-- it is so very lonely & so very painful. 

I found out today that the transfer request I submitted back in May has been lost. I tried so hard to take the news well. Even now I just feel like crying. I've fallen through the cracks yet again. I put the transfer request in because I need to be in a much less consistently high-paced environment-- slower pace = less stress. Now, because someone somewhere screwed up, my chance could be threatened. I was also informed a few weeks ago that I'm in competition with another coworker who has also put in a request for the same assignment. That person has been here much longer than I so it may be futile to want the transfer if it is decided by seniority. I feel so powerless...

The PTSD is causing so many problems. I'm having to suppress the effects as much as possible at work. It's causing absolute havoc in my personal life. I'm having trouble with my memory again. I'm losing track of time. I constantly check the time & look at the calendar to try & keep track of reality. It's becoming harder & harder. 

I'm hoping to speak to my new therapist later this week about this specific symptom. I'm beyond stressed. I feel extremely anxious when thinking about my job & wish every second spent driving to work that I am instead back at home hiding under my blankets with my cats. I cringe when I walk in because I don't know what kind of atmosphere I will be walking into. And I am afraid to say anything to anyone because I don't want to be punished. It is so hard to try to be like everyone else when I'm not. 

I physically hurt from the psychological pain. I just want it to stop, to go away. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to be a normal person so I may be able to offer my boyfriend a wonderful partnership. I don't want to be the screwed up one. I want to be happy again. I want to be responsible & in charge of my life again. 
gothicotter: (Default)
I haven't seen Jon since I was in New Orleans. We make sure to talk a couple of times a week, though it never seems enough. We're both always so busy. It's been so long since I was in a long distance relationship. I had forgotten how hard it is to not see one another on a regular basis. It is, however, forcing us to take this pretty slowly, which I think is a good thing. I want to know who he is as a person before I fall in love. 

It is strange to me to have a boyfriend & to not be sexually active on a regular basis. Sex is so important to me in a relationship. It's weird not to be having it, but I don't resent it. I really like him. A lot. My gut feeling is that there's something substantial there & I don't want to ruin it. Besides, it would go against my nature to be with someone other than the person I want. 

He will be in town at the end of January. I am so nervous. I am so excited! I just know I'll be shy when I see him, but at the same time I'm gonna want to pounce on him! It'll be almost four months by then, approximately three of which chaste. I think we both will be equally enthusiastic about sharing a bed while he's here.

He's agreed to meet my BFF this visit. I'm going to try & squeeze in drinks with Sean & Paul also if possible. I want him to know my boys. I hope desperately that all will hit it off. I want desperately for my boyfriend to be approved of by my closest friends. I need my choice validated. I need to know I did a good job this time because I usually fail miserably, the most recent failing being the most epic. 

So I've lost 15lbs total so far. Only 5lbs away from my first goal, then another 5lbs to what is possibly my maintaining weight. I'm hoping I'll lose the first 5 before I see Jon. I know he is happy with the way I look now-- his pet name for me is 'beautiful'-- but I HAVE to get back into those pants! For me! I won't lose my curves. It's quite impossible without mutilation. 

My life is so stressful lately. I'm so up & down. I want desperately to be happy, but my head is all fucked up. I fucking hate this shit so much. I just want to cry. I don't understand how someone who is dead can continue to torture me so much. I feel hopeless, like all I'll ever be is the sad girl who never really smiles anymore, the girl that is punished because no one around her understands that her personality change is due to trauma, not some kind of rebellion. This is like living with my mother all over again-- ASSUMPTIONS, ASSUMPTIONS, ASSUMPTIONS. How about checking with the person who has changed? No one ever thought of that...

I'm judged because people don't take the time to ask questions or try to understand, they simply assume. That's how I've been treated all my life. No one bothers to try to communicate with me & when I try, they ignore me. Then, of course, shit happens, & then they're all "Ooooh, THAT'S what you were talking about!" 

It's so frustrating. You'd think that adults would be able to listen to what each is saying & could discern when a person is serious about something. You'd think it would be a clue when it's a topic that is brought up repeatedly. 

At least the right people are finally listening after the fact...I just hope I won't be punished for my reacting to the trauma-- it's not my fault & I did try to prevent it without breaking the rules. I'm really not one for rule-breaking because it causes too much chaos.

This shit is seriously fucking with my head. I know I'm different. It's become painfully obvious recently to others that I am. I fucking hate it. I don't like being the one odd duck that has to be handled with care. It kills me inside that I'm so fragile. 

I saw a new therapist recently. He said he thinks that because I can't remember much from before age 9, there was most likely abuse going on then. He thinks that it may have been going on closer to the full 17 years. Fuck me. I don't necessarily know how to process that. I mean, yes, that possibility has occurred to me, & all I really remember anyway was bad stuff, but to have a person actually say that the stuff I don't remember was also most likely bad stuff is terrifying. The stuff I remember is bad enough, how much worse is the stuff that is still locked away? I don't know if I even want to know. 

I wish I could just have happy amnesia about my past & completely wipe out the PTSD while we're at it. It would be nice to just replace all the bad memories with good. 

I wish I could be normal. Happy. I want to be an O-Zone song. I want to be Dragostea Din Te.
gothicotter: (Default)
And who am I supposed to be? Not like you'd give a fuck about me? But who am I supposedly? When I'm finally done?

Year 5

Nov. 5th, 2010 04:45 pm
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Today is 5 years. I am in New Orleans. I took this time off from work for the first time ever. I am glad that I did.

I had a date with Jon last night. We had a fucking blast! We got completely shitfaced while walking on Bourbon St. Our first kiss was in a bar called The Boondock Saints & there was an OHP patch right above our heads. I pray that it brings this relationship good luck. He left for an assignment out of town just a few hours ago. I am thankful that we finally went on our first date-- it's been long overdue.

I have spent the day in bed nursing a nasty hangover, but that's perfectly fine with me. I don't have to be anywhere or do anything except eat at some point & catch up on my rest. Aside from the pain associated with that, I feel wonderful, free, happy. I have no other stress today-- this seems like my real vacation since the other one I took previously this year was ruined by an overly jealous boyfriend.

I'm more independent than I was last year. I'm done being a doormat. I am confident & happy. I have the best friends anyone could ask for. I have a good job with awesome benefits.

I finally have a gym membership & I use it almost every day. I have lost 10 lbs. I look & feel better. I will get stronger & build more stamina, as well as get my flexibility back. I will survive the Zombie Apocalypse.

Let's see what next year will look like!

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