kelly just like daddy-- a rant poem
Nov. 24th, 2005 04:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gothicotterkelly
my sister betrayed me. i told her, i showed her what he had done, what daddy had done. she looked at me with such shock and disgust. disbelief showed so plainly in her face. she told me, "confront him. confront him in front of everyone. then, only then will i believe you." i did. i swallowed my tears. i made my face burn from red to white and stood in front of them. they gathered in that room with the big sliding door and the tv. he sat on the couch and so did mom. my sister stood behind me. "she has something to say" it was a dare. if i ran away and said never mind, no one would ever believe me. it was so hard. my mouth opened and despite the fear and overwhelming shame, the words came out. i don't remember exactly what i said. i just know that my mother's face went white and my dad's face got red. i remember watching him stammer. he stammered an explanation. he minimized what he had done. my sister lied to me. she didn't believe me. to this day, she doesn't believe me. i want to be so angry, but what's the point? the bastard shot himself when i tried to get justice, and now she blames me for her pain. she says it's my fault for her feeling this way. she says she doesn't want anything to do with me. she doesn't want me to talk to any of "her" family. so where does her family end and mine begin? does that just mean her husband and her children, or does that include my mother, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles? i have always been the "punching bag". why me? is it because i am the youngest girl? even my little brother violates my emotions and makes me feel like i'm worthless. i cannot talk about what happened to me because they don't want to hear it. it hurts them too much. telling didn't really change anything. i was still ignored and abandoned. i was still treated like i was invisible. they never contact me and any contact i make is not welcomed. so, where does my pain end? aren't families supposed to be loving? aren't they supposed to support someone that has been hurt? why does mine not support me? when i went to group, my brother made fun of me and made scathing remarks that tore open my vulnerable wounds even more. my mother did nothing. she asked how it went, but i didn't want to share it with her. she did nothing to help me, so why should i tell her anything? the only reason i moved out was to get back the two things that gave me security. my cell phone for 911. my car to make a getaway. they took that from me, but if i left, they'd give it back. i wanted to be taken care of. i wanted to be happy. i didn't want to be punished any longer. i didn't want to be called "crazy" anymore. i didn't want to feel crazy anymore. why did you have to call me crazy, mom? why did you have to tell me i was nuts? kelly, why did you tell me i was a liar? why did you tell me that you would never believe me? why did you call me a loser for dropping out of school? i told you what had happened and what was going on. why did you tell me that you didn't believe me? why is it acceptable for you to bring home your live-in boyfriends to visit your siblings, but i can't bring my husband to meet you and your family? who cares if you didn't know we were married? you are a hypocrite. you hurt me almost as much as he did. you are a bitch. a stupid sadistic bitch. you think that since you have children that erases all your sins and makes you perfect? bullshit, it doesn't. i hate you, i fucking hate you. you are a slut and a whore. you've slept with half the state and yet you write mean letters to me when i'm going to give you a wonderful gift. you were gonna be the first to know that i was married. it was a gift. you know, you were there when he was assaulting me. you were even in the same room. he used to do it in front of all of you. you never even noticed my downward spiral. you never even heard my cries for help, or even saw my healing cuts or rope burns from hurting myself. they were blatant and right in front of you, but you just kicked me in the gut. if i had balls, you would've kicked me there. you did manage to kick me in the balls finally. how is that possible? it shouldn't be, but you did. how can you blame something that i had no control over on me? how can you tell me about your rapes and i believe you, but then not believe me when i tell you about mine? do you think you're the only one who gets that spotlight? i cannot even function. at least you got to graduate highschool and college. you can get a good job if you wanted and you have a good husband and children, even though i know you love another. you are a bitch not to be there for me. do you know how hard it is to hide something like this? do you know how hard it is to deal with this all alone? do you know what it is like to be shunned away? why me? why did it happen to me? if it was you telling me in tears on thanksgiving that you were victimized by daddy, i'd have believed you. you had the power to help me, but you chose to tear me apart instead. you are a bitch and a slut and a whore and a huge fat heifer. i fucking hate you for hurting me. you don't even give a shit about me. you are so thoughtless and rude and cruel. me calling...what about the terrible things you've done to me? the mean letters, the cruel emails... they just reinforce the idea that i'm not worth anything. if you cared, you'd have thought about it from my point of view. if i wanted to be mean, i would send this poem to you. but i'm much nicer and thoughtful than that because i know how you would feel. you've succeeded in making me feel cheap yet again. do you even know what a panic attack is? i think you don't. you don't know what it feels like to wakeup and feel like you can't breathe. you don't know what it's like to be terriffied of even moving. you don't know what it's like to not be able to go to school because you cannot at least speak coherant sentences, much less drive to school. no one was there for me. no one. i've been all alone. i know what it is to be alone. you are a bitch to judge. you are not and have never been in my situation. you did not have your childhood stolen. you do not know what it is like to not remember your past. i hate you. you are cruel. just like daddy.
my sister betrayed me. i told her, i showed her what he had done, what daddy had done. she looked at me with such shock and disgust. disbelief showed so plainly in her face. she told me, "confront him. confront him in front of everyone. then, only then will i believe you." i did. i swallowed my tears. i made my face burn from red to white and stood in front of them. they gathered in that room with the big sliding door and the tv. he sat on the couch and so did mom. my sister stood behind me. "she has something to say" it was a dare. if i ran away and said never mind, no one would ever believe me. it was so hard. my mouth opened and despite the fear and overwhelming shame, the words came out. i don't remember exactly what i said. i just know that my mother's face went white and my dad's face got red. i remember watching him stammer. he stammered an explanation. he minimized what he had done. my sister lied to me. she didn't believe me. to this day, she doesn't believe me. i want to be so angry, but what's the point? the bastard shot himself when i tried to get justice, and now she blames me for her pain. she says it's my fault for her feeling this way. she says she doesn't want anything to do with me. she doesn't want me to talk to any of "her" family. so where does her family end and mine begin? does that just mean her husband and her children, or does that include my mother, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles? i have always been the "punching bag". why me? is it because i am the youngest girl? even my little brother violates my emotions and makes me feel like i'm worthless. i cannot talk about what happened to me because they don't want to hear it. it hurts them too much. telling didn't really change anything. i was still ignored and abandoned. i was still treated like i was invisible. they never contact me and any contact i make is not welcomed. so, where does my pain end? aren't families supposed to be loving? aren't they supposed to support someone that has been hurt? why does mine not support me? when i went to group, my brother made fun of me and made scathing remarks that tore open my vulnerable wounds even more. my mother did nothing. she asked how it went, but i didn't want to share it with her. she did nothing to help me, so why should i tell her anything? the only reason i moved out was to get back the two things that gave me security. my cell phone for 911. my car to make a getaway. they took that from me, but if i left, they'd give it back. i wanted to be taken care of. i wanted to be happy. i didn't want to be punished any longer. i didn't want to be called "crazy" anymore. i didn't want to feel crazy anymore. why did you have to call me crazy, mom? why did you have to tell me i was nuts? kelly, why did you tell me i was a liar? why did you tell me that you would never believe me? why did you call me a loser for dropping out of school? i told you what had happened and what was going on. why did you tell me that you didn't believe me? why is it acceptable for you to bring home your live-in boyfriends to visit your siblings, but i can't bring my husband to meet you and your family? who cares if you didn't know we were married? you are a hypocrite. you hurt me almost as much as he did. you are a bitch. a stupid sadistic bitch. you think that since you have children that erases all your sins and makes you perfect? bullshit, it doesn't. i hate you, i fucking hate you. you are a slut and a whore. you've slept with half the state and yet you write mean letters to me when i'm going to give you a wonderful gift. you were gonna be the first to know that i was married. it was a gift. you know, you were there when he was assaulting me. you were even in the same room. he used to do it in front of all of you. you never even noticed my downward spiral. you never even heard my cries for help, or even saw my healing cuts or rope burns from hurting myself. they were blatant and right in front of you, but you just kicked me in the gut. if i had balls, you would've kicked me there. you did manage to kick me in the balls finally. how is that possible? it shouldn't be, but you did. how can you blame something that i had no control over on me? how can you tell me about your rapes and i believe you, but then not believe me when i tell you about mine? do you think you're the only one who gets that spotlight? i cannot even function. at least you got to graduate highschool and college. you can get a good job if you wanted and you have a good husband and children, even though i know you love another. you are a bitch not to be there for me. do you know how hard it is to hide something like this? do you know how hard it is to deal with this all alone? do you know what it is like to be shunned away? why me? why did it happen to me? if it was you telling me in tears on thanksgiving that you were victimized by daddy, i'd have believed you. you had the power to help me, but you chose to tear me apart instead. you are a bitch and a slut and a whore and a huge fat heifer. i fucking hate you for hurting me. you don't even give a shit about me. you are so thoughtless and rude and cruel. me calling...what about the terrible things you've done to me? the mean letters, the cruel emails... they just reinforce the idea that i'm not worth anything. if you cared, you'd have thought about it from my point of view. if i wanted to be mean, i would send this poem to you. but i'm much nicer and thoughtful than that because i know how you would feel. you've succeeded in making me feel cheap yet again. do you even know what a panic attack is? i think you don't. you don't know what it feels like to wakeup and feel like you can't breathe. you don't know what it's like to be terriffied of even moving. you don't know what it's like to not be able to go to school because you cannot at least speak coherant sentences, much less drive to school. no one was there for me. no one. i've been all alone. i know what it is to be alone. you are a bitch to judge. you are not and have never been in my situation. you did not have your childhood stolen. you do not know what it is like to not remember your past. i hate you. you are cruel. just like daddy.
