Thoughts on music
Dec. 13th, 2008 01:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gothicotterI used to play the piano all the time. I would sit down in front of the keys & my fingers would find a melody of whatever was going through my head & it would be translated into a song. Many times, I played the same things over & over, some of which I don't think I'll ever forget, no matter how many years go by without playing them. Other songs I created & have forgotten. Some absolutely amazed me that I had written them & now I look back disappointed that I cannot remember them. I always had hell if I tried to write them out on paper & how I wished at one point in time that I had the software to write into the computer as I played so I didn't have to bother with hand-writing. Now, I wished I had simply sucked it up & written them out. I would probably have a binder full of songs had I actually tried. Though, everything I've ever written sounds so similar because I used the same left-hand pattern, for the most part.
Sometimes I get bored sitting in front of the keys & I get frustrated that I cannot create something more substantial & complex. I want to create something so beautiful & haunting that I & everyone who ever hears it will not forget it. I wish I had more talent in that area. I am a bit lazy when it comes to applying myself in this way. I think part of it is a subconscious resentment that I have towards my parents for forcing me to play the piano for all those years. On one hand, I am beyond grateful that I can play an instrument & have a talent for music. On the other, I hate being a creative personality because so much was & is expected of me.
Sometimes I hate my taste in music. It's so obsessive & complicated & emotional. I connect to music on such a personal level-- akin to making love with someone you're head-over-heels for who feels the same for you. It affects me on such a deeply personal level that I am extremely vulnerable & will go a bit crazy until the desire is sated. I will play or listen to a song over & over & over until I feel like I am bursting with it. It gets stuck in my head & even refuses to stop when I attempt to sleep. It's very frustrating. It plays over & over in my mind until I finally breakdown & play it on my piano. Most of the time I get so frustrated trying to pick out the melody that I give up all together.
I cannot write lyrics to go with my music. I've tried, but it just turns out terrible. I can write poetry, no problem, but not lyrics. I wish I could because I've got some songs that would be amazing with the right words to paint the picture of the melodies, but of course, most of those I've forgotten. Most of my music, however, I can't imagine that they'd be any good with lyrics. My music is about feelings the way classical music is. My music communicates feelings the way Moonlight Sonata does-- no lyrics necessary.
Lately, I've been writing this lullaby. It's actually inspired by my current love, though I doubt I will ever reveal that to him. I feel silly that I'm writing something for someone without their knowledge. I honestly would be embarrassed to tell them at all. I don't even have a name for it, though most of my music I don't name-- I just don't feel it's necessary. Most of the time, my music has no direction, but this time I've built a melody on a basic pattern of left-hand that I've never tried in this order. I actually discovered this lullaby whilst playing out a bit of the Beatles. It just appeared under my fingers & then I began to develope it. At first, I wanted to communicate longing-- slightly sad & bittersweet-- but it's developed into something deeper, more like being under feet after feet of ocean. It's like floating away into a wave, but not in the literal sense. It doesn't sound like a wave, but it surrounds me the way being under a wave would.
I feel silly writing about this. It is very hard for me to describe this side of things in my head. It doesn't translate well into words. But I want so badly to write words right now. I'm restless. I have to get this out.
Sometimes I get bored sitting in front of the keys & I get frustrated that I cannot create something more substantial & complex. I want to create something so beautiful & haunting that I & everyone who ever hears it will not forget it. I wish I had more talent in that area. I am a bit lazy when it comes to applying myself in this way. I think part of it is a subconscious resentment that I have towards my parents for forcing me to play the piano for all those years. On one hand, I am beyond grateful that I can play an instrument & have a talent for music. On the other, I hate being a creative personality because so much was & is expected of me.
Sometimes I hate my taste in music. It's so obsessive & complicated & emotional. I connect to music on such a personal level-- akin to making love with someone you're head-over-heels for who feels the same for you. It affects me on such a deeply personal level that I am extremely vulnerable & will go a bit crazy until the desire is sated. I will play or listen to a song over & over & over until I feel like I am bursting with it. It gets stuck in my head & even refuses to stop when I attempt to sleep. It's very frustrating. It plays over & over in my mind until I finally breakdown & play it on my piano. Most of the time I get so frustrated trying to pick out the melody that I give up all together.
I cannot write lyrics to go with my music. I've tried, but it just turns out terrible. I can write poetry, no problem, but not lyrics. I wish I could because I've got some songs that would be amazing with the right words to paint the picture of the melodies, but of course, most of those I've forgotten. Most of my music, however, I can't imagine that they'd be any good with lyrics. My music is about feelings the way classical music is. My music communicates feelings the way Moonlight Sonata does-- no lyrics necessary.
Lately, I've been writing this lullaby. It's actually inspired by my current love, though I doubt I will ever reveal that to him. I feel silly that I'm writing something for someone without their knowledge. I honestly would be embarrassed to tell them at all. I don't even have a name for it, though most of my music I don't name-- I just don't feel it's necessary. Most of the time, my music has no direction, but this time I've built a melody on a basic pattern of left-hand that I've never tried in this order. I actually discovered this lullaby whilst playing out a bit of the Beatles. It just appeared under my fingers & then I began to develope it. At first, I wanted to communicate longing-- slightly sad & bittersweet-- but it's developed into something deeper, more like being under feet after feet of ocean. It's like floating away into a wave, but not in the literal sense. It doesn't sound like a wave, but it surrounds me the way being under a wave would.
I feel silly writing about this. It is very hard for me to describe this side of things in my head. It doesn't translate well into words. But I want so badly to write words right now. I'm restless. I have to get this out.
