gothicotter

Sanju informed me last night that he won't be out of the country for two months-- he'll be gone for five months. He's known for two weeks. I asked him why he waited to tell me & he said he didn't want to make me sad. I cried when I got the news. 

I don't like the idea of being separated for five months. I've come to terms with two months, but five?!? It just makes me want to cry! Sanju explained that it is legal red tape. Apparently, per his student visa, he has to stay out of the country for the duration of the semester since he's going back to Nepal. He's required to take the semester break due to the timing of the trip. He is excited to see his family & friends again, but is disappointed to be away from me. I am torn as well. I want him to see his family & friends back home, especially since he hasn't seen them in two years.  I am going to miss him so much.   

I was looking forward to spending Thanksgiving & Christmas with him, New Years, my birthday... I'm actually most upset about him missing my birthday.  Selfish, I know, but I was looking forward to spending it with him. I'm going to miss his birthday as well. This makes me sad. He said he'd call me on my birthday. 

I wonder if he is going to have to stay out of the country for five months next year too when we go to Nepal. God, I hope not. I know this is just something I'm going to have to deal with, something we BOTH will deal with. We both knew that this was not going to be easy. I guess this is our first hurdle next to his parent's permission. I really need to start doing some more research into the legal hurdles we're going to encounter. I'm just thankful that he won't have to be gone for a year. Silver lining.

We may end up marrying before he leaves. Wow. Kind of scary to think about. It's not marriage that scares me. At all. It's the wedding part that is causing my anxiety. The expectations that I still have in my head from my past. I don't want my mother to berate me for her not meeting him before the wedding. I don't want her to be angry with me for not allowing her to be a part of it the second go-round. It's not because I don't want her to be... In fact, I would love for her to be there. I just don't think she'd come on short notice. I don't know exactly when this will happen, but I'm sure as soon as his parents give their permission, it will happen soon after. It will be wonderful because then I'll be able to actually be public about our engagement. 

Guess I'll be diving head-first into some governmental research.       

Sanju has decided that Grimalkin is his baby. When he & I first started dating, he told me he didn't like either cats or dogs. Now, when he comes over, the minute he comes in the door he makes a beeline to Grimalkin to say hi & when he leaves, he has to hunt him down & tell him goodbye. It's adorable. I tease him that he's really only dating me just to get to my cat. Sekhmet & Zumer are slowly warming up to him as he is to them. Grimalkin, of course, being the people whore that he is, instantly made friends with Sanju due to the constant affection begging. I have to compete at times with Grimalkin for the affection, but in the end I always win out. He still bitches a little bit about the cat fur getting on his clothing, but hey, that's the price you pay for a good relationship with a feline. I think as Sanju's relationship grows with them, he'll come to accept that no outfit is complete without feline fur to adorn it. It's a fact.

So, I told my mother about Sanju. I told her as much about him as I could & that I thought this relationship was going to be going somewhere. It was the best I could do to convey the seriousness without saying that we're engaged since it's not quite "official" yet. She was sick when I called her, but she didn't say anything negative. She expressed a desire to meet Sanju. I'm very happy about that. This is a very good sign. I want her to be happy for me & to like him!

Also, he is going to be telling his parents about me soon. He was supposed to talk to them a couple of days ago, but then when it came time to talk to them, there were too many people around & he didn't get a chance to talk to them. I'm fuzzy as to if it was on his side or their side... Either way, he still is planning on talking to them! I am SO impressed! This means this is SERIOUS, as if I didn't already know, but it's a BIG DEAL in Nepali culture!

I'm so happy! I've never been this happy before! I am sure, SURE, that Sanju is the one! I can't wait to marry him! I'm convinced that we'll be beyond blissfully happy! XD

Ma timilai maya garchu, baccha!

So, after nearly two months of silence from Charlie, he chooses yesterday, St Patrick's Day, to contact me.  The whole holiday approaching hurt at first simply because it reminded me of him due to him being so steeped in his heritage.  However, as the time got nearer to Irish Day, I found myself taking it back, reminding myself that this holiday is mine too, that I am also of Irish heritage, along with Scot & Welsh.  The holiday dawned & I was gleefully looking forward to going out for some green swill after a long day's work with my BFF Tim, my drinking buddy Sean, & having my boyfriend get to experience St Paddy's from a different point of view.  About an hour prior to the end of my shift, I look down at my phone to read a text, & guess who should be contacting me, but dear ol' Charlie.  "Happy St Patrick's Day, Chelsea" it reads.  I know, obviously, that he didn't send it to me in error as it clearly stated my name.  He knew who he was texting.  Honestly, I figured since I had not heard from him in quite a while, that he'd deleted me from his life, including my number.  Color me suprised indeed.  I had just finished eating a good, delicious meal too.  The minute I read that, my face paled & I felt immediately like hurling my cookies up (literally, the ones I had just eaten for desert).  After a moment of silent panic, I excused myself to the bathroom where I tried to calmly get my breathing under control.  I called the BFF who reminded me that Charlie doesn't deserve me, that I have a boyfriend who loves me, that he has two working kidneys & a heart... I was able to keep the contents of my stomach right where they belonged, thankfully. 

It gets better.  After finishing out the shift, I meet Tim at the pub where we wait in line to get inside.  It's packed, which is no suprise on the second biggest drinking day of the year.  My buddy Sean got there early & was already waiting for us with beer in-hand at a table inside.  The moment we get settled at the table, Sean leans over & tells me that Charlie texted him the day before & would I want to know anything as it had to do directly with me... Yes, indeed I would.  He proceeds to ask me how much I wanted to know & I tell him, just the truth.  He whips out his phone & presents the text conversation that he had with Mr. Drunk Dialysis.  In the conversation, Charlie tells him to hug me for him when he sees me, tells Sean that he tried to explain to me that his life "does not lend itself well to relationships", states that "she's a doll & I'm sure I'll be kicking myself when I'm alone at 60 over this," that he didn't want to make things worse by contacting me...  Tim said pointe blank, "He's already kicking himself".  I'm damn sure he is.  He won't find a better woman.  Ever.  As for the "not wanting to make things worse by contacting her," obviously bullshit-- the motherfucker texted me.  Oh, so, what?  It's OK to do it the very next day as long as it's on a big drinking day?  Think he'll do the same on New Year's or, damn, Fourth of July?  Guess the man really can't handle his beloved whiskey (it ain't whisky-- it's Canadian).  I think the loneliness is eating him now, not-to-mention he probably hasn't gotten laid in about two months. I'm not some fuck doll that you can play with when you feel like it & throw away when you aren't in the mood, or heavenforbid, the "right time in your life".  I'm better than that & obviously too good for your stupid ass, because you're a fucking idiot.

On a much happier note, as of today, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a full month. (Yes, I did say, one-month; I'm doing the girly thing & celebrating a relationship inch, the one-month anniversary-- Shut up.) We celebrated by spending the day together making love, singing & making music with piano & guitar, going to the mall, modeling the clothes he bought for me...  We had so much fun just being silly.  We're like two halves of a whole.  Things are so wonderful.  I am so content with him.  Simple things make me happy: like actually dancing with him at the pub last night (slow dancing at that), the fact that when we walk I don't have to hurry along almost falling over my feet to keep up because we're practically the same height, being able to play with his gorgeous fucking hair... & the majority of the time when he's holding me, he kisses my neck affectionately.  I love it.  He does it absentmindedly & I feel so wanted, so needed. 

Charlie never did that.  Oh, & I deleted his text.  I didn't bother with a reply.

We dodged the bullet this year.  The legistalors decided to dip into the "Rainy Day Fund" & make up the deficit to get us through the end of the fiscal year.  Of course, it's mandated by State statute what our salaries are, so in the end, even if they furloughed us, they'd just have to pay us the money owed to us at a later date.  So, really, that wouldn't save them money in the long run.  So glad they decided to make this move-- large, heavy weight off of my shoulders.

I started my second job tonight.  It's like being back in the saddle again.  Missed Purcell so fucking much!  This money from this job will just be gravy money-- gonna build up my savings like a motherfucker.  So psyched!

My ex, Chris the cop, emailed me about two weeks ago.  He apologized for treating me the way he did & told me that he loved me still.  It was very emotional.  I cried when I read the email.  Since then he's told me he's still interested in seeing me romantically.  I agreed to one date, but told him explicitely that I will not be seeing him exclusively, that I was different from how I used to be, & am dating around.  He didn't like that at all.  He told me he was a jealous guy & wouldn't be comfortable with me seeing other guys.  I told him point blank that he hurt me all those months ago-- broke my heart, even-- & I wasn't ready to put all my eggs in one basket because I didn't trust him not to drop them.  I said if he wanted to see me, he'd have to do things my way.  I have a right to be cautious & protect myself.  I don't trust him not to repeat what he did.  He destroyed the trust between us.  He's going to have to prove to me that he's not a complete asshole...

I'm dating someone new.  I know, I know, ALREADY?!?!?!?  I gotta move on sometime, right?  I weeped over Charlie for over a month-- literally every single day... It's time to move on.  My buddy Sean is so freaking glad, too.  He was beginning to lose hope that his fun drinking buddy wouldn't ever come back.  Charlie ended up pussying out completely in the end.  We won't be friends.

So, I met this guy on Valentine's day at Citywalk, where I am a regular, along with my buddy Sean.  Ironically, Citywalk is where I first met Charlie.  We used to chill in the karaoke room all night long along with Sean.  It's hard still to go back there.  It's still weird being there sans Charlie.  Citywalk just isn't the same; life just isn't the same...  Anyway, I was tired of being in that room, so I grabbed Sean & we walked around the club & hung out.  We ended up in Boogie Nights & were getting some dancing in before the club closed & I ended up dancing with this really pretty asian guy until the club closed.  I gave him my number & he texted me the next day.  He kept kinda texting me the next couple of days & we set up a coffee date later in the week.  I didn't know what kind of a person he was going to be.  I honestly thought he was going to be a douchebag like all the other guys I've ever met.  He was 30 minutes late for our date, but after he finally showed up & we got past the awkward first few minutes, we ended up talking for two hours.  Then we decided to go see a movie-- Wolfman sucks, don't waste your money because Benicio Del Toro is terrible-- & afterwards ate at IHOP.  We had a blast.  It was a good date.  Since then, we've seen each other most days in the week.

He's very interesting.  He's originally from Nepal.  He's bilingual & has been in the States for two years going to college for a computer science degree.  He's two years younger than I am, but it doesn't seem to matter.  It doesn't "feel" like he's younger... It's strange, but also feels so good. All I care about is that I can take him anywhere.  He's been single for about 5 years because he got his heart royally broken.  He told me he's tired of being alone & he's very glad he met me.  Things are moving quite quickly between us, but for some reason I'm not too terribly bothered by it.  Maybe this is what I've been waiting for & this is what I'm ready for.  I've never met anyone like him before.  He treats me like I hung moon.  It's a very nice & huge change from how men normally treat me.  I don't feel like I'm begging for table scraps.

I guess we'll see how things go.  I'm already contemplating agreeing to moving to "girlfriend" status.

Guess I'm gonna end up telling Chris to go fuck himself...

I don't think that Charlie loves me any longer. He cares somewhat, but he doesn't love me. It hurts so damn much. I have a sucking chest wound that hurts physically everytime I inhale. I just want to let the air out of my lungs & not breathe anymore. I want this to stop hurting. I don't understand why a person wouldn't want to be loved. I would be a wonderful constant in his life. I'd be able to be there whenever he needed me, I'd be patient with his moods, I'd be there for comfort & companionship. I'd be there when things got hard & when they were going beautifully. I am the best thing that has happened to him & he's letting me walk out of his life. He's not going to realize his mistake until it's too late-- he's too stubborn & proud.

I am hurting so much that I cannot find the words to express it-- only my face twisted in agony, misery, weeping tears I cannot stop.

Things with Charlie & I are good right now. Our relationship is progressing the way I have been hoping it would & I am comfortable with the slow pace. We're becoming a bit more intimate in our emotional relationship & are at the point that he pulled out a family album last week that included pictures of his parent's wedding & his baby pictures. Things are still crazy as he & his roommates are still recovering from the holidays & the dynamic has been different. Hopefully we'll go back to the constant communication soon. I miss having him as a daily presence & I miss the nightly routine we used to have with a conversation before bed ending in wishing sweet dreams to each other. Outside of missing that, I am content with our relationship. I've never been in love with someone that I was so sure loved me back & he doesn't even have to say it.

On the financial front, things aren't looking too great. We've been informed that DPS will be commencing with furloughs starting in March. They've decided to furlough every employee four days a month for four months. This is not a good thing at all. I'm going to be losing my rent plus $100. I can't afford to be hit that bad, therefore I've began the ordeal of looking for a part time job to try & make up for what I'm losing. I want something in the line of work I'm already in as it would be the easiest to handle & I have the experience that makes me valuable. Right now it's just a matter of finding an agency that has part time work & then has a position available. If I can't find anything in communications, then I have no idea where to start. Our Policy & Procedure forbids us from working in an establishment where alcohol is the main money maker, so the bar scene is out. I don't know if some of the higher end restaurants would be under that provision or not seeing as they DO serve alcohol... I really would prefer not to work in the food service business however. I hated it so much in the past. I cannot imagine that I would love it now.

I am dreading the next 6 months. I really hope it all turns out to be scare tactics...

On a completely different note (& to close out this entry with something happier), one of my Troopers stopped David Allen Coe on Friday during my shift & I was the one that ran his information. It was pretty awesome actually. He gave me the information & as I was reading it back I was like, "Really? Are you serious?!?!". I had him call in after he cleared the stop & he confirmed to me that it really was him! Freaking awesome! If it wasn't for my crack-like karaoke habit, I'd have never caught on to who that was! XD

Who am I supposed to be, not like you give a fuck about me, but who am I supposed to be? [Hurt]

Since Joe & I broke up, I've been dating around, seeing people, but nothing serious or anyone I'd be willing to have anything beyond fun sex with. I've been afraid to fall in love again & be all vulnerable. I actually dated people to distract me from Joe. I was seeing a guy for a couple months that was seriously gorgeous. Had not an ounce of fat on him, simply because he was an MMA instructor. He's a lot of fun, likes to drink, & sing karaoke. He is a little bit of a tool, however, very ADD-- like, "Ooo! Shiney! Ooo! Squirrel!". He also has a huge amount of energy. Can only really stand him in small doses.

After him, I began seeing a karaoke DJ named Charlie. We'd been friends for a couple of months & I'd known he'd liked me for a while. I am really attracted to Charlie. He makes me laugh, really makes me happy, & the sex is amazing. The only thing I don't want is to be on the receiving end of him being angry. He has no filter between his brain & his mouth, so he can say some pretty harsh things that really cut deep. He's Scot/Irish/Welsh, just like me. I'm really falling hard for him. It's really complicated. Things for me can never be just simple & this time they're about as complicated as they can get. See, Charlie is in love with me too, he just won't admit it. He has this thing against relationships that are "serious". He, as he puts it, is a "no strings attached, no tie-down, casual" guy. I'm ok with that for the most part, until I fall in love. Then "simple" relationships become complicated. Part of his problem with serious relationships is his health. Charlie doesn't have kidneys that work. When he was in his early 20's he caught strep & didn't finish taking the antibiotics, so it stuck around in his system & ended up killing his kidneys. He had a transplant, but it ended up not working out after a while. He survives on dialysis. This does not bother me. At all. It's just a part of who he is. He seems to be a bit embarrassed of his dialysis at times, like when he had a catheter port in his chest, he'd apologize for it & tell me not to look at it. It never bothered me, nor did it get in my way. Same with the dialysis shunt in his arm-- never bothered me one bit, in fact I think it's kinda cool because you can feel the fluids moving through it & if you lay your ear on his arm, you can hear it. It sounds like water through a hose. It fascinates me. Anyway, I think because his health isn't perfect, he's hesitant to get into a "serious" relationship because he may end up hurting the other person by getting sick or, God forbid, dying. He says he loves passionately & gets pissed with the same vigor. I do agree & I think that's another thing. He doesn't want to get hurt, so he's trying to stay emotionally distant. I don't think it's working very well because I'm sure he's in love with me. I tried to stay emotionally distant, but it didn't work. I'm ok with that, I just don't know what's going to happen between us. I haven't told him how I feel either. I don't think we'll cross that line, no matter how much we care. If we were, he'd have to do it first. I don't want to be rejected again.

I always fall for the person that doesn't want a relationship or doesn't want to love me. I always make the same mistakes over & over. I can't live with anyone. I want a long-term relationship with someone who is ok with not cohabitating. I want a relationship that boils down to a very close friend, albeit best friend, with benefits. I do want love & I want someone to love me. I want someone to appreciate all of me. I do not want a husband. I have gotten to a point in my life where I don't see the point in marriage. I've ridden that pony before anyway, & I have no desire to get back on. I don't even know if I ever want children. I know absolutely not now, but I don't know if I ever do. I want my freedom but I want so badly for a loving relationship. I don't know if Charlie will end up being what I want. One of my best friends tells me that he thinks he will end up being "Mr. Longhaul", but that would mean Charlie would have to open his life to a long-term relationship & I just don't know if that would happen. I think strongly it will not, simply based on what he has repeated to me in the past.

Part of me wishes he'd change his mind because I love him, but the other part of me, the skeptical part, knows he won't. I just don't have that kind of luck.

It looks like I struck out again.

I've survived another year. This time, I haven't been abused, not even once-- not hit, not assaulted, nothing. It's sad to think it took 22 years to make me intimidating enough to get assholes to leave me alone. I finally have courage & self-esteem.

I am happy to be alive & whole. I am living in a good neighborhood & I have awesome friends. I'm seeing someone new, but I'm not going to fall in love this time. This time it's something casual & fun, no strings attached, no romance. We're friends & we hang out, but we also cuddle & have sex. Right now, this is what I need. I need a drinking buddy who'll sing karaoke with me (which is my new hobby) & be comfortable with not talking to me every single day, someone who can take my humor & play with me, someone very interested in sex. Right now, I'm content.

My heart is off-limits. I've never made that decision before, but it's what I need right now. I've been on a romantic rollarcoaster for years & I need to just recover from all the shit that I got in return. I'm bitter, I'm jealous, so I'm closed for business, but that doesn't mean I can't still have fun.

My family seems to be slowly piecing itself back together. I visited my mom for a few days this summer & my second mom as well. It was wonderful. I had missed them so much. I am going back for two weeks next year. My sister is back in my life & so is my little brother. She sent me a MySpace message recently apologizing for all the shit & wanting to make up. We did & I'm glad-- I've missed her. As for my little brother, I sent him a Happy Halloween text message & he called me. He was happy to talk to me & said he missed me. He's engaged & seems happy in general. It's so good having them back in my life. I hope things stay pleasant.

I also saw my old pastor & his wife as I made an appearance at the church I used to attend while I was visiting my mother. I actually managed to get through a whole service with very few tears shed. It didn't help that the pastor stood me up in front of the whole congregation in the middle of the service to brag about me & how I work for OHP-- I wanted to melt into the floor. If they were gunning for embarrassment, they were successful.

I also heard from my ex, Brady. The damn juvenile delinquent grew up to be a fireman & paramedic, & is gonna be going to CLEET soon. I was absolutely shocked; he really cleaned up his act. I'm proud of him. I kinda feel like a mother hen. Actually, I don't know what it is about ex's calling me up out of the blue this past year. I had another ex, John, do that a few months back. I guess people are figuring out how great a catch I actually am. Well, that's what I think at least as they all seem like they're trying to get back into my life. I wonder how that actually works. Is it random? Or more like they've been thinking of me all this time...Who knows.

I wonder what this next year is going to bring me. Hopefully continued safety & healthier living.

Lately, I've been hanging out with my neighbors-- two gay boys-- & they are the bomb. There's this gay club we go to on the weekends to have fun. I never thought I'd enjoy clubbing, but I do. I enjoy getting all dressed up & shaking my hips on the dance floor. I enjoy getting to drink a little & just getting lost in the fun.

I feel so free when I go. I've even gone to the club alone just to forget that I live in the real world outside of the colored lights & dance beats. I stay sober if I'm alone, of course, but I don't say no to a drink if offered, though I only sip at it.

I feel so attractive when I go. I'm never at a loss for dance partners. Ironic, since it's a gay club. The boys seem to flock to me & I usually get hit on by a girl or two. It's nice. Of course, I won't do any more than flirt & dance, but that's part of the fun-- getting to use my wiles to tease. It is so much fun to walk into those crowded rooms & just turn heads by walking by, getting compliments on my clothing & accessories. I've never experienced that before. It's such a boost to my self-esteem.

I am IN-LOVE with Lady Gaga's "Just Dance" & "Poker Face"! I can't stop singing those songs since I've started going to the club. They're so catchy & everytime I hear them I just want to dance & dance! They make me happy. I think I'm gonna go get a copy of her album before my vacation so that I can listen to it all the way down to Texas. Maybe I can find a good club to go to while I'm in San Antonio.

I am all about the dancin'! I wish Fuzzy lived in the city too. She'd love going with me, I'm sure. =D

I am so lonely. Lonesome. Alone.

It is amazing to me how I can be with someone & still be so sad, so lonely. I have no support right now. My boyfriend is off God knows where on another transport; I haven't seen him in over a month & I'm beginning to forget those little things that lovers focus on in each other. My BFF is unreachable as her phone service is off. I can't get ahold of Pastor Tom to talk to as he's probably busy with evening Bible study.
I am still stuck against this wall when it comes to God. I still resent Him for not saving me & showing me mercy to pull me out of my childhood. I am still angry that I had to do it alone & that I had to do it all myself, with no support or real help. Still the same old people taking advantage the way they always do.

I am so cynical, but at the same time, I am regretfully a caring soul. I wish I could be cold-blooded & heartless because I'm sure then the loneliness & pain wouldn't matter-- it would be easy to take out the rage & sorrow on someone else & feel no remorse. I am, however, not capable of such cruelty. I care too much about how people around me feel. I wish I could be nasty, but it's just not in me.

But, back to God. I don't seem to be capable of humbleness before God anymore-- being able to say, "I'm unworthy of Your love." I am worthy of love. I feel it is like taking steps backwards to say otherwise, like I'm undoing all the work I have done to rebuild my self-esteem & come into myself as a woman, no, a human being. I feel as though to say I am unworthy makes all the things done to me OK & they are definitely NOT OK.

I know I deserve love, respect, peace, happiness, prosperity... I deserve a wonderful whole life & all my dearest dreams fulfilled. The things I need, the things I wish most deeply for, are really not so strange. They are what every person needs, dreams about. My one wish? To be loved, completely. I want someone to hold me & love me. The one person in the world that I want this with doesn't seem to be paying attention. Ironically, the ones I love never seem to. I believe that as transparent as they claim I am, I must be a master at masking the things that are most important, burying the things that really matter.

And again, God. I don't know where to start with this. I can't seem to participate in "worship". I feel as though I'm crippled. I wish I had some support in this, someone to hold my hand through it. In my head, my imagination, my ideal, this support equates to a husband, or a relationship on the same level-- someone who would be my best friend, lover, someone to encourage me spiritually, who knows me well. I suppose it's solid support with a good foundation. I don't know where to find that. I feel as though until I have this kind of support I won't be able to get past this wall & allow myself to become close to & accept God again.

I just still don't understand how to embrace a God that allows Daddies to rape their little girls or allows anyone to become damaged in that fashion, allowing people to become so utterly destroyed. I am still so raw on the inside. I don't know where to begin.

I've tried just jumping in by attending a service, but it does nothing for me except make me feel more isolated in the midst of being completely surrounded by people. I see the faces & relationships around me & still feel so jealous of the happy children & teens , the happy couples, the smiling choir. It makes me feel worse. I feel no connection whatsoever to any of this. It's like being numb, completely shut down, like a zombie all over again. I know that I've associated pain & betrayal with religion for so long that I think it's become a trigger. I think my mind shuts down to autopilot so that I can survive until after the service. I can think of no other explanation.

I am sane, but I think I'm still so broken. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend about this, I think it might help, but I don't think I can. He doesn't seem all that interested in what's going on with me, is impossible to get ahold of, & doesn't seem to want to share what's going on in his life with me-- he blames it on being busy, which I don't doubt at all, but if someone is important to me I create time out of thin air if I have to just to shoot out an email or make a phone call. The only person who doesn't push me away & shut me out is Fuzzy & I don't get to see or talk to her very often anymore.

I don't know where to begin. I can't seem to gain insight anywhere. I just seem to push everything down until I'm home alone one day & can't talk myself out of feeling so lonely that I break down in tears. I am tired of crying. I just want so badly to be loved, & to know I'm loved. It does not help if someone does love you but never says so, never reinforces the thought that you're really loved. I need it to be plain. No more games.

Ugh, my thoughts are so confused.