C-PTSD Symptom: Memory Hinderance
Dec. 22nd, 2008 02:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gothicotterSo I have memory problems. As far as I know, I always have. It's a problem that is also a symptom of C-PTSD, so if I had problems before the trauma-- which I have no way of knowing-- then the result of the trauma magnifies that problem two-fold. That fucking sucks.
I have a hard time making new memories in triggering situations. For example, I cannot recall statements made during arguments. Arguments trigger me to dissociate & I cannot remember things that happen while I'm dissociated. I can remember that I was involved in an argument, & roughly what it was about, & am usually able to know the outcome as the outcome affects the relationship outside the argument, but I cannot remember the "meat" of the quarrel. I certainly cannot quote back exact phrases the way my ex could & it was an ability he used often to twist my words & arguments against myself, all the while accusing me of not making sense. In essence, he took advantage of my weakness to make me out to be the crazy bad guy that had no grasp on reality, therefore elevating himself to be in the right all the time. I know that sounds really petty & cannot be true all the time because I know some of the time I was indeed at fault in arguments, but it was a tactic he used often enough that I began to doubt anything that I thought-- I began to wonder if the thoughts in my head were actual reality or if what he said was the true reality. Maybe, in an existential Freudian light, both realities are simlutaniously correct as every person makes his own reality, but perhaps that's a concept that is not altogether based on reality. Eh, it hurts my brain to think about it.
Ironically, I ran into him a couple of weeks ago & told him about my memory problems. He said he was unaware that I had honest-to-God problems with memory & said he just thought I was being "choosy" on my recollections during arguments. He seemed horrified that he took advantage of me that way, but I think part of that is because he was in "Please come back-- I love you" mode. Maybe therapy is doing him some good.
Over the last few years I've been able to recall memories that were "blocked". I'm finally able to put faces on the people that my mind was protecting me from. I am finally able to remember every single sexual abuser I've ever had & the situations surrounding the abuse, as well as the probable extent of the abuse. I'm going to chronicle them right now so that I never have to wrack my brain to remember each one ever again. They are in no particular order:
He's a good person & very understanding, but has one of those crazy ex's. I don't want to emulate her in any way & I'm afraid that by telling him the full extent of what I've been through I will scare him off. I've told him so far that my family & I have a bad relationship. I've told him that my father abused me. I also believe I told him of my miscarriage. He also knows of the abuse that my ex-boyfriend put me through as he was one of the many rational voices of friends telling me what I already knew-- that I needed to get the fuck out of that relationship for my own sake. I suppose the "what if's" are really bothering me-- what if he ends things when I reveal what I've been trying to hide for a while?
I always joke that everyone is trying to hide their crazy. However, in my case, it's true. I have a psychological problem that people who have not experienced real trauma do not have. I'm always trying to control my triggers & hide my reactions so that I can at least appear normal to others. I still scream inside whenever I see a woman being attacked in a movie & I'm able to at least keep my reaction down to maybe a few silent tears. I've been able to mask my reaction to someone coming up behind me unexpectedly by laughing or smiling even though I feel like backing into a corner or hauling off & socking them right in the jaw. I know I've come far in my journey of recovery, but I also know I'll never be fully recovered, no matter how many years go by. The only way that I could feasibly see that goal was if there was a way to wipe the memories completely from my mind forever. Alas, I am not a computer, so wiping my hard drive is not a possibility; it would be nice to install Windows XP though, & maybe get rid of this frustrating Windows Millennium Edition-- maybe I could fix some of the bugs that way. :P
Honestly, I wrestle with this same dilemma everytime I allow myself to get close enough to someone that it really matters. I've been able to somewhat distance my "quirk" & my professional relationships, but when they branch into friendships outside of simply "work", then I struggle with whether or not I should reveal why I am the way I am. I don't want pity & I worry that I change a person's perception of me. I want to project the best person I can because I want to be the best person I can. I don't know what to feel other than worry of possible negative outcomes.
I wish I didn't have a secret this big.
I have a hard time making new memories in triggering situations. For example, I cannot recall statements made during arguments. Arguments trigger me to dissociate & I cannot remember things that happen while I'm dissociated. I can remember that I was involved in an argument, & roughly what it was about, & am usually able to know the outcome as the outcome affects the relationship outside the argument, but I cannot remember the "meat" of the quarrel. I certainly cannot quote back exact phrases the way my ex could & it was an ability he used often to twist my words & arguments against myself, all the while accusing me of not making sense. In essence, he took advantage of my weakness to make me out to be the crazy bad guy that had no grasp on reality, therefore elevating himself to be in the right all the time. I know that sounds really petty & cannot be true all the time because I know some of the time I was indeed at fault in arguments, but it was a tactic he used often enough that I began to doubt anything that I thought-- I began to wonder if the thoughts in my head were actual reality or if what he said was the true reality. Maybe, in an existential Freudian light, both realities are simlutaniously correct as every person makes his own reality, but perhaps that's a concept that is not altogether based on reality. Eh, it hurts my brain to think about it.
Ironically, I ran into him a couple of weeks ago & told him about my memory problems. He said he was unaware that I had honest-to-God problems with memory & said he just thought I was being "choosy" on my recollections during arguments. He seemed horrified that he took advantage of me that way, but I think part of that is because he was in "Please come back-- I love you" mode. Maybe therapy is doing him some good.
Over the last few years I've been able to recall memories that were "blocked". I'm finally able to put faces on the people that my mind was protecting me from. I am finally able to remember every single sexual abuser I've ever had & the situations surrounding the abuse, as well as the probable extent of the abuse. I'm going to chronicle them right now so that I never have to wrack my brain to remember each one ever again. They are in no particular order:
- There's my father. Every form of abuse imaginable.
- There's my high school ex-boyfriend. Rape.
- There's my ex-husband. Abandonment, Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Rape.
- There's the guy that stuck his hands down my pants & groped my breasts while I was engaged. I was at a party with one of my friends from high school & had some alcohol to drink. He wanted to have sex & I didn't, & as soon as his hands went down my pants, I got the fuck out of there.
- There's my ex-husband's best friend who routinely made sexual comments to me that were unwelcomed, stared at me like he was undressing me with his eyes, & then groped me in front of my ex-husband who didn't do anything to stop it & never spoke with him about it. When I confronted my ex-husband, he simply said, "Dave was drunk." It hurt that he wouldn't stand up for me & protect me like he swore he would (being my husband & all).
- Then there's the guy named Ek Ott who sexually assaulted me when I was watching a movie with him at his house & then stole my most prized possession that I had at the time-- my special edition Tekku No Escaflowne Movie: A Girl In Gaia-- which completed my Escaflowne collection.
He's a good person & very understanding, but has one of those crazy ex's. I don't want to emulate her in any way & I'm afraid that by telling him the full extent of what I've been through I will scare him off. I've told him so far that my family & I have a bad relationship. I've told him that my father abused me. I also believe I told him of my miscarriage. He also knows of the abuse that my ex-boyfriend put me through as he was one of the many rational voices of friends telling me what I already knew-- that I needed to get the fuck out of that relationship for my own sake. I suppose the "what if's" are really bothering me-- what if he ends things when I reveal what I've been trying to hide for a while?
I always joke that everyone is trying to hide their crazy. However, in my case, it's true. I have a psychological problem that people who have not experienced real trauma do not have. I'm always trying to control my triggers & hide my reactions so that I can at least appear normal to others. I still scream inside whenever I see a woman being attacked in a movie & I'm able to at least keep my reaction down to maybe a few silent tears. I've been able to mask my reaction to someone coming up behind me unexpectedly by laughing or smiling even though I feel like backing into a corner or hauling off & socking them right in the jaw. I know I've come far in my journey of recovery, but I also know I'll never be fully recovered, no matter how many years go by. The only way that I could feasibly see that goal was if there was a way to wipe the memories completely from my mind forever. Alas, I am not a computer, so wiping my hard drive is not a possibility; it would be nice to install Windows XP though, & maybe get rid of this frustrating Windows Millennium Edition-- maybe I could fix some of the bugs that way. :P
Honestly, I wrestle with this same dilemma everytime I allow myself to get close enough to someone that it really matters. I've been able to somewhat distance my "quirk" & my professional relationships, but when they branch into friendships outside of simply "work", then I struggle with whether or not I should reveal why I am the way I am. I don't want pity & I worry that I change a person's perception of me. I want to project the best person I can because I want to be the best person I can. I don't know what to feel other than worry of possible negative outcomes.
I wish I didn't have a secret this big.
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Memory problems from PTSD
Date: 2008-12-22 11:32 am (UTC)Hang in there.
Beth Fehlbaum, author
Courage in Patience, a story of hope for those who have endured abuse
http://courageinpatience.blogspot.com
Ch. 1 is online!
to this very day
Date: 2008-12-22 04:07 pm (UTC)In a PTSD group therapy session, a decorated combat veteran told me that he'd been watching the way I carry myself, and that he could tell I'd been in combat, too. To this very day, I move and carry myself as if someone were trying to "get" me, but I've never been in the armed forces, let alone in armed combat. I am loathe to let people become close to me out of fear of being abandoned.
The maddening and saddening thing is that to this very day, there are still people who see me in the same way as my abusers. I seem to attract them and then I ask, What am I doing to attract this kind of ilk? Do I bring it out in the most "normal" of people and turn them into monsters? I know cognitively the answer is no. They're monsters to begin with whenever they choose you as their next target.
/\__/\ (='.'=) (")_(")I could have turned out to be a monster, too. That, I made up my mind never to become.Re: to this very day
Date: 2008-12-22 09:46 pm (UTC)Well, Robert, I am glad that you allowed me to become your friend. I am proud to be so. :D
I have the same fear of abandonment (duh) & I used to never let anyone near, all the while being absolutely STARVED for affection & closeness with another human being. I still go through the pain that close relationships bring, but I look at things this way-- I am an adult now & I have more control over the situations I put myself in that I used to, or rather, I have a better grasp on how to control the outcome.
I know what you mean by "attracting ilk". I wonder that too. Why is it that most relationships I hold seem to have an abusive aspect? It doesn't make sense to me, especially because people say I project an angry aura, which I've been told can make me seem intimidating. I don't think that I project "victim" anymore because I know I'm more confident than I used to be, so it is a conundrum. You'd think I'd be able to spot an abusive personality from a mile away by now.
I am glad that you & I have made it so far & I know we'll go further yet. :)
a mile away
Date: 2008-12-22 10:10 pm (UTC)/\__/\ (='.'=) (")_(")You are always welcome in my company.